


When to say When

by LovingGwendolaj



Category: Game of Thrones RPF
Genre: Angst, Divorce, F/M, Fights, London, Love, Romance, Suspected Affair, countryside, gwendolaj - Freeform
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-03-04
Updated: 2020-04-15
Packaged: 2021-02-28 22:22:14
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 20
Words: 43,525
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23014708
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LovingGwendolaj/pseuds/LovingGwendolaj
Summary: **This work is RPFGwen isn’t returning Nik’s messages or calls, and to make matters worse, no one seems to know where she is.  The last time they spoke they had a fight, but Nik has no idea why she was mad at him. He’s determined to find her, figure out what’s wrong and support her - even if it ends up costing him his marriage.
Relationships: Gwendoline Christie/Nikolaj Coster-Waldau, Jaime Lannister/Brienne of Tarth
Comments: 362
Kudos: 204





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I decided to remove the other new fic I started and replace it with this idea. I will consider reposting it later, if I start feeling it again. After a few days of writers block this idea came to me. I hope you guys enjoy ❤️

“I can’t talk right now.” 

Nik was taken back by her abrupt tone, but he quickly recovered because it just wasn’t like her. She was usually happy when he called. “Is everything okay? Do you want me to call back a bit later?” 

“No,” she snapped. “Just leave me alone.” 

“Gwen? Seriously? What’s going on?” He asked, trying to sort out why she seemed completely pissed off at him. “Did I do something wrong?” 

“Don’t you always?” She sneered. “We both know you’re not the squeaky clean poster boy the world thinks you are.” 

There was definitely something up, but he also knew she liked to push his buttons. Normally he had some fun with it, yet for some reason she was getting under his skin. “Fuck you,” he snapped. “Why are you being such a bitch?” 

She made a low, throaty chuckle, but it wasn’t a happy sort of laugh by any means and he knew he was in even more trouble. “I don’t have time for this. Just leave me alone you fucking wanker.” 

“Gwen, I’m - sorry,” Before he got the last word out she had already hung up. 

That was 5 days earlier and since then he hadn’t been able to get ahold of her. She wouldn’t pick up his calls, she wouldn’t return his messages, and she wasn’t even looking at his texts. He had put up with it for a few days. He actually didn’t even bother trying to call her until the day after their fight, assuming she needed time to cool down. But the day after that, he had tried to call her twice. Three times the next day, along with several texts. When he still heard nothing he started to worry. 

This was more than just a little spat. They had fights all the time, but the longest they had gone without talking after one of their tiffs was two days. He also knew what he’d done wrong every other time they had fought. This time he was clueless. Clearly he’d pissed her off somehow, but he’d spent hours trying to figure it out and he couldn’t come up with a single thing that would make her this mad. 

Nik felt like he was losing his mind. He hadn’t slept more than a few hours that night and he was exhausted, cranky, a little emotional, and sick with worry. The day before he had spoken with two of Gwen’s close friends in London and her mum. None of them knew where she was, but her mum did mention she had heard from her and that Gwen was fine - wherever she was. 

Nik had yet to get ahold of Giles. He originally thought that perhaps Gwen and Giles had gone off on a little get away. It didn’t explain her ignoring him, but it would at least explain her disappearance. That was until he saw the photo on Instagram that made it clear Giles was still in London. It was still a bit early, but Nik couldn’t wait any longer to try calling Giles again. 

The poor man sounded about as tired as Nik felt when he answered, but Nik was too focused on Gwen to care about anything but her. “Giles, thank God I finally got ahold of you,” he gasped into the phone. “Do you know where Gwen is?” 

“Nikolaj?” he replied sleepily. “It’s not even 6am here,” Giles groaned. 

“I know, I’m sorry. It’s just that I've been worried sick. She’s not answering my calls. I haven’t talked to her in 5 days,” he explained. 

“Well, I’m sorry. I don’t know where she is,” Giles said with a sigh. 

“She’s not with you? And she didn’t tell you where she went?” Nik spoke slowly, feeling very confused. Giles didn’t seem concerned about the fact that Gwen was missing. It didn’t make sense. 

“I guess she didn’t tell you,” he said. 

“Tell me what?” Nik asked. 

“Gwen broke up with me last week,” Giles replied, sounding quite blaise. “So, no, I don’t know where she is because she doesn’t need to tell me anymore.” 

Nik was momentarily stunned, but when the seriousness of the situation hit him he was even more worried than before. He didn’t even know Gwen and Giles were having problems. Now Gwen broke up with Giles and she was angry with Nik - none of it made sense. “I’m really sorry,” Nik said softly. It was genuine. He liked Giles and he knew the man treated Gwen well, which was very important to him. “I don’t know who else to talk to,” Nik added desperately. “Please, if you can think of anywhere she might have gone? Or if you have any way to get ahold of her - please Giles. I’m so worried about her. Our last conversation - well - it wasn’t good. We fought. I need to find her and make sure she’s okay.” 

Giles sighed again. “Did you ask her mum?” 

“Yeah. She’s talked to Gwen recently and said she’s fine, but she doesn’t know where she is,” Nik explained. 

“Well you know she’s not in danger, so maybe you should just leave it alone. She’ll call you when she’s ready. You know what she’s like when she gets in one of her moods.” Nik did know, he knew very well, but this was more than that, he was sure of it. 

“Please Giles,” he begged. “If you have any ideas -” 

“Her mum has a second property,” Giles interrupted. “It’s out in the country. I’ll text you the address. But that’s all the help I can give you. If she’s not there I have no idea where she would be.” 

“Thank you so much,” Nik said. Less than 30 seconds after they hung up he had an address and Nik immediately booked a flight to London that would leave in 3 hours. He had to pack and get to the airport. He headed right to the bedroom and pulled out a backpack. 

“Are you going somewhere?” a voice asked in Danish, from the doorway. 

“Oh, yeah, I have to go to London for a few days,” he said quickly, as he continued to throw things into the bag, glancing up at her. 

“For work?” Nukaka’s face looked hopeful. 

Nik immediately felt a little guilty, but he wasn't going to lie to his wife. He never had and he wasn’t about to start. “I’m going to find Gwen,” he replied, moving his eyes back to his underwear drawer. 

“I’m sure she’s fine, this is ridiculous,” she replied, moving closer. 

Lack of sleep and the anxiety he’d been feeling the past few days boiled over. “She hasn’t returned any of my calls for almost a week,” he snapped. 

“Yeah, you’ve made that abundantly clear with all your whining and moping,” his wife shot back. 

“There’s something wrong, I can feel it,” Nik replied passionately, letting some of his anger fade in hopes that she would understand. 

“This is insane,” Nukaka said. He could already see the tears starting in her eyes and he had absolutely no desire to comfort her right then. He had to go. He needed to find Gwen. 

“She’s a friend and I’m worried there’s something really wrong with her,” Nik said through clenched teeth, trying to keep his voice calm. 

“Yeah she’s a friend. Is that what you call it?” She rolled her eyes and put her arms across her chest. “A married man does not travel, on a whim, to another country to look for someone who is just a friend.” 

“If she was a man you wouldn’t have a problem with it at all,” he growled. “And I don’t like what you’re implying.” 

“What am I implying Nik? Huh? Tell me,” she yelled. “For once in your fucking life tell me the truth.” 

“I’m not doing this right now,” he snapped. “I have alway been honest with you, if you don’t believe me that’s your problem - not mine.” He threw some shirts into the bag and headed for the bathroom to get his toothbrush. 

Nukaka followed him. “You’re not just lying to me, you’re lying to yourself,” she hissed. “You’re leaving me and the girls to go on a wild goose chase, for nothing. Wait a couple more days. She will call you back and everything will go back to normal.” 

“The girls aren’t even here right now,” Nik said, slamming the backpack onto the counter. “Safina is with her friends at school and Filippa is staying with her boyfriend. I’m not leaving my girls. Don’t you ever accuse me of leaving them. They are the most important people in the world to me.” 

“They are - but not me,” she whispered as that first tear finally made its way down her cheek. 

“Now you’re twisting my words,” Nik seethed. “I told you I’m not doing this right now. I don’t have time. I have a flight to catch.” He zipped the backpack without putting the toothbrush in. He had to get away from her. Nik put his hands on his wife’s shoulders and placed a quick kiss on her cheek. He would deal with her drama when he got back, after he knew Gwen was okay and he had a clear mind. “I’ll text you when I land,” he said, his voice neutral, without feeling. 

As he went to leave she caught his wrist. “If you walk out that door, don’t bother -“ 

“Uh, I suggest you stop talking before you say something you’ll regret later,” Nik said loudly, interrupting her ultimatum. Nukaka’s eyes flashed but she let go of his wrist and didn’t say another word. “I’ll see you in a few days,” he added. Again, she didn’t respond so he turned his back and walked away.

This wasn’t the first time they had fought about Gwen. It seemed to be the only thing they ever fought about anymore, and it was happening more and more often these days. He was getting tired of explaining over and over that there was nothing going on. He was tired of the suspicion and the accusations. He was tired of having to constantly reassure her of his love. He was tired of her insecurities. 

Nik had tried really hard, at least the first 10 times she brought it up. He told Nukaka he loved her, he tried to show her what she meant to him. But it didn’t seem to matter what he said or did, she always came back around to the same old thing. It was exhausting. He knew the compromise that his wife wanted - she wanted him to end his friendship with Gwen. It wasn’t a compromise he was willing to make. He offered her the chance to get to know Gwen better, but Nukaka refused. She never seemed to want to get to know any of his friends, but particularly not the one she was convinced he was having an affair with. 

So as Nik left his house that day, with his wife likely crying inside, he didn’t feel guilty at all. He couldn’t muster it up any longer. Especially not when his mind was elsewhere. He had to find Gwen. He needed to know she was okay and he needed to make it right between them. That was his only priority.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow, I’m so appreciative of the wonderful response to the first chapter. 
> 
> Yes, this is definitely a little different for me, but I’m still trying to work within the parameters of what feels “okay” to me to write in RPF, while still also fitting my personal perspective of “Gwendolaj”. Yes, I’ve seen the criticism of my views out there on social media, but I hope the critics can understand that I have to stay true to myself. ❤️
> 
> Hope you all enjoy this one 😘

Once Nik had landed and got himself a rental car it took almost two hours to get to the address Giles had given him. When he said it was out in the Countryside he wasn’t joking. Nik had travelled down gravel roads, went over single lane bridges and seen countless old castles and sprawling ruins. It would have been a beautiful sightseeing trip if he didn’t have more pressing matters on his mind. 

“Please be here, please be here,” Nik mumbled out loud, as he turned off the narrow road onto the long, bumpy driveway. “Fuck yes,” he hissed triumphantly when he saw her car parked in front of the quaint little home. He wondered if Giles had lied to him and actually knew Gwen was here, or if it really was the only logical place to find her. 

Nik parked behind her and got out. It was really more of a cottage than a house, but it was quite beautiful, rustic almost. He walked up the front steps to the small wooden stoop and knocked on the door. He waited, with knots in his stomach, but no one answered. He tried to peek in the window, but couldn’t see much, so he knocked again - louder. Still nothing. He looked around the property, scanning as far as he could see, but there was no sign of her. His heart sank, but he tried knocking again, louder yet, banging hard on the door in a way that couldn’t be ignored - yet, still no answer. 

Satisfied she wasn’t inside he took a seat on the front step. He would wait, no matter how long it took. Nik waited almost half an hour and then decided to try calling her. In the serene silence he could faintly hear her phone ringing somewhere inside, which made him wonder again if she was in there. He wandered around to the back where he found a window he could peek inside. He could see signs of her presence all over the living room and spotted her phone on the coffee table, but Gwen definitely didn’t appear to be inside, which meant she must have gone for a walk. There was a wooded area behind the house, so he decided she must have been in there somewhere. 

Nik sighed and went back to his spot sitting on the step. Another 30 minutes and sunset was beginning. Surely she wouldn’t stay out in the dark, he thought, which gave him hope she would return soon. As the sun continued to sink he watched in awe. The colors and brilliance painted across the horizon were stunning. 

He almost didn’t notice at first when Gwen appeared around the side of the house. “What the fuck are you doing here?” she snapped the second she saw him. 

Nik couldn’t help but smile when he looked at her. The relief he felt was actually quite overwhelming. He’d worried about her for close to a week and he finally knew for sure she was safe. Her hair was a windblown mess and she was wearing joggers and a hoodie with sunglasses pushed up on her head and sneakers on her feet - she had never looked more beautiful as far as he was concerned. “I know we have a lot to talk about, but look at that sunset,” he said, pointing behind her. Gwen had obviously already seen it, but she still looked back over her shoulder. “Can you just sit here beside me and watch it? Can we just pretend everything is fine for a few minutes and enjoy this beautiful view?” He begged with his eyes and she glared back for a long time, but finally stomped over and sat down beside him. 

That simple act gave Nik hope. Maybe whatever was going on wasn’t actually as bad as he’d first assumed. “How was your walk?” he asked. He honestly wasn’t sure she was going to answer or make conversation with him, but he had to try. 

“It was actually quite lovely,” Gwen said softly. “Peaceful and relaxing.” 

“It’s incredible out here,” he commented, pleased she was actually receptive to chatting. 

“It is,” Gwen agreed. He started to relax a little more as things felt quite normal. “How was your flight?” 

Nik groaned in response. “First class was full, so I was cramped in coach,” he replied, thinking of how he’d felt like a sardine packed in a tin. “I was asked for 17 selfies on a one hour flight. I was called Jaime Lannister 3 times and Jon Snow once.” She actually snorted at that and Nik smiled. “And I had a lengthy conversation with a gentleman who told me that Brienne of Tarth deserved so much better and she should have been with Tormund. He was quite angry with me, as if it was my fault.” 

“You really did treat Brienne like shit,” she replied, with an amused look. 

“I gave her the best night of her life,” Nik said, playing along. 

“And then dumped her for your evil sister like a total wanker.” They’d had this conversation a million times and he always took the teasing graciously. They had also had a serious conversation about what happened in the final season and they both knew how the other truly felt. 

“I will pay for that for the rest of my life,” he replied with a chuckle. The sun was almost set at that point, so he made the segway. “But that’s not what has you so angry with me - so how about we head inside and talk.” 

Gwen’s body language changed right away and she stood stiffly. “You shouldn’t have come here.” Her soft, easy voice became tense and curt. 

“Well if you bothered to answer my calls I wouldn’t be here,” he shot back. 

“You should have got the hint that I didn’t want to talk to you,” Gwen replied as she led the way inside. 

Nik sighed and rolled his eyes. “I was worried about you. I have no idea why you’re pissed off at me. You wouldn’t answer my calls or my texts. No one seemed to know where you were -”

“Yet somehow you found me,” she drawled in a snippy tone. 

“I called Giles and he suggested here,” he explained. She froze and eyed him, likely wondering how much Nik knew. “He told me you broke up with him. I’m really sorry,” Nik said genuinely. “But that only made me worry about you more. I didn’t even know anything was wrong between you and now you’ve broken up with him, you’re angry with me and you ran off to hide in the middle of nowhere. Gwen, what’s going on?” 

“It doesn’t matter. Just go home. Go be with your family, your wife.” The way she said ‘wife’ made his stomach flop. It was spat out with such bitterness. But he still didn’t understand why or what was going on with her. 

“I’m not leaving here until you tell me what’s wrong,” he said stubbornly. He sat down on the couch as if to prove he was in for the long haul.

Gwen was silent for a long time. A really long time. But he didn’t pressure her, he just waited. She glared at him, looked away and then looked back and glared at him some more. Finally she spoke, only two words, “Chateau Marmont.” 

“Chateau Marmont?” he repeated, puzzled. “That was weeks ago. We had a great time - how - I don’t get it - how are you mad at me because of that night?” After the SAG awards back in January, him, Gwen, Giles, Liam, Alfie, Pilou and some others had gone to Chateau Marmont to have an after-afterparty-party. Several of them had also stayed the night at the hotel, enjoying the discretion and privacy of the venue. 

She stared at him again, looking at him like he had two heads. “You’re seriously not that dense,” she muttered. 

“Gwen, I swear - I literally have no idea what you’re hinting at. I was so drunk that night,” he said with a sigh. It was the most he’d drank in a long time. Trying to keep up with Pilou and Liam had been a terrible idea. “There are bits and pieces I don’t even remember. Like, I know you were in my room at one point,” he was searching his brain for the missing moments, but they just weren’t coming back to him. “But I woke up the next morning, well, afternoon I guess, and I don’t remember when you left or if anyone else was there.” 

“You didn’t tell me you blacked out,” she said, eying him suspiciously. 

“I honestly didn’t think it mattered and I was a bit embarrassed,” Nik said, his cheeks actually flushing slightly. “I didn’t want to admit anything and give Pilou the satisfaction that he outdrank me.” 

“You really don’t remember anything from when I was in your room?” Gwen asked as she started to pace back and forth. 

Nik closed his eyes and tried again. The last memory he could conjure up was Gwen using his key to open his room door because he couldn’t get it in the hole. After that his mind picked things up the next morning with severe nausea and a pounding headache. “I don’t,” he said softly. “I’m sorry. Did I say something awful? Was I mean to you?” he asked, starting to panic about those missing several minutes. “But even if I did - why now? You weren’t mad at me last week or the week before or before that. I don’t understand.” 

She stopped walking back and forth, but didn’t look at him when she spoke. “I told myself for weeks that you were drunk and you didn’t mean it. I tried so hard to let it go,” Gwen whispered. “You didn’t bring it up again, so I figured you were embarrassed and it probably wasn’t true.” Nik’s heart was pounding. What the hell did I say to her? He felt like an idiot for not trying to sort out his blackout before now. 

Gwen shocked him by laughing, it sounded almost hysterical. “All this time I spent wondering and worrying, getting angry, trying to move on, convincing myself to let it go - and you don’t even remember.” Another fit of hysterical giggles followed. “You blacked out.” The giggles continued and then slowly turned into sobs. “You don’t even remember,” she sniffled, sounding utterly defeated. “I couldn’t let it go,” she added in a whisper. “It consumed me. Changed my life. Almost destroyed me.” 

Nik slowly stood up and tentatively walked towards her. “Gwen,” he said gently, as he placed a hand on her arm. “Help me remember. Please? I need you to tell me what I said.” She shook her head frantically. Her eyes looked panicked. “I can’t help fix this if I don’t know what’s wrong,” he added. “Please Gwen,” he pleaded. “Help me remember that night. Fill in the blanks for me.” 

She stopped shaking her head and for the first time in a while she actually met his eye. Nik could see the tears pooling, but he could also see so much more. There was an emptiness. A sadness. A devastated look of loss and heartache. As hard as he tried he just couldn’t understand it. He desperately needed her help. “Please Gwen,” he whispered. 

Her eyes suddenly flashed and all the sadness was replaced with something different. It was anger for sure, but it was mixed with an intense sort of passion. “Maybe this will jog your memory,” she snapped. She shoved him back onto the couch and as he plopped down onto the cushions in confusion, she climbed onto him, straddling his lap. Then before he had a chance to regain his senses her mouth was on his. Her sweet, delicious mouth was kissing him and he realized what that look of passion in her eyes was about. Before the guilt hit him, before he pulled away and ended it, before he realized the enormous pot of hot water he’d landed himself in - Nik kissed her back. He thought only about how incredible it felt and nothing else. Those thoughts would come later and they would hurt. But kissing Gwen right then didn’t hurt, not at all, so he didn’t stop.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I sincerely hope you guys feel that I did this chapter justice. There is so much more emotion to come too. This isn’t my usual style so I’m a bit unsure. I also feel weirdly anxious for these two, even though I know what’s going to happen. It’s such a bizarre feeling. Maybe I’m crazy 🤪

The spell was broken when Gwen pulled away and climbed off of him. The first seeds of guilt hit him simply because she’d been the one to end the kiss, not him. He knew he should have stopped her long before she finally ended it, but he just couldn’t make himself do it. “Fuck,” she hissed. “I shouldn’t have done that. I’m sorry,” Gwen apologized, without looking at him. “You should go. You need to leave.” It was clear she was an absolute trainwreck of emotions and all he wanted to do was hold her and calm her down like he would have done if it was any other situation. 

Nik stood up and looked at her back. She had turned away from him and her body seemed to be shaking. He could take two steps forward and wrap her in his arms from behind. He knew she was broken enough to receive the comfort, even if it was from him, but he also worried his comfort would shatter her completely and he couldn’t risk that. “I’m going to the toilet,” he announced. “Then when I come back you’re going to finish explaining things - with words.” 

When Gwen didn’t put up a fight at all his heart sank. It wasn’t like her and it just reinforced how completely defeated she was feeling. He had to believe she would recover, because he couldn’t imagine Gwen without her fighting spirit and spunk. She needed a moment to get herself together and so did he. 

Nik went into the bathroom and shut the door behind him. He looked at his face in the mirror and had to avoid eye contact with his own gaze. He knew the guilt would only build from there, especially when he finally found out exactly what had happened in LA. The terrifying thought that he couldn’t get out of his mind was that they’d had sex. He decided he surely couldn’t have completely blacked that out. Yet, he’d seemingly blacked out a kiss and more. “What the fuck is wrong with you?” he asked his reflection, but the image in the mirror had no response. 

All this time, all these years, he’d been telling his wife she was crazy - that he’d never cheated on her and he never would. But he had, more than once apparently. Even if it wasn’t sex, it was still a betrayal. Kissing another woman was not okay. What made it worse was that he’d enjoyed it. Nik rubbed his face and groaned. He’d more than enjoyed it - that kiss would haunt his dreams for some time to come. 

What made it even more confusing was that it was Gwen. She had never, to his knowledge, given him any indication that she had feelings for him in that way. That was part of why he was so adamant with Nukaka that she had nothing to worry about. Their version of flirting, if you could even call it that, was to bicker like they hated each other. People often assumed it was the adult version of how boys tease the girl they have a crush on, but Nik never saw it that way at all. It was just fun and amusing - and their ‘thing.’ 

There was so much to think about, so many emotions to work through, but he knew there was no point in wading into any of that until he knew the rest of the story. He went pee and washed his hands and then rejoined Gwen in the living room. “You ready?” he asked gently. 

“I don’t think this is a good idea,” she replied, in a much calmer, controlled voice. Nik felt some relief at how quickly she had pulled herself back together - just like the Gwen he knew. “You should just go home, forget about today and leave those other memories buried.” 

“And where would that leave you? Where would that leave us?” he asked. He wasn’t conceding by any means - he just wanted to show her how important this conversation truly was. 

“I’ll figure it out,” she said softly. 

“And us?” he prodded. She took a deep breath and finally looked at him. She didn’t have to say anything. He knew if he walked out right then and left this thing unresolved their friendship was over. “I can’t lose you,” he whispered. “We need to talk because you mean too much to me. I won’t walk away from you - I can’t.” It was the plain and simple truth and he could only hope she felt it too. 

“Sit down,” Gwen said. He moved back to the same place he’d vacated a few minutes earlier. “Are you sure you want to hear this?” 

“I have to,” Nik said with a nod. 

Gwen resumed her pacing and after 3 or 4 trips across the room and back she finally started talking. “I don’t know how to say other than to just say it,” she prefaced. “When we went back to your room that night it was just the two of us.” Nik felt his heart start to beat faster with anticipation. “We had another drink - you should have stopped long before that, but you insisted on one more so I agreed.” Gwen stopped walking and closed her eyes. Nik studied her face and saw it was twisted with pain. “After the drink I went to leave, but you stopped me. You said you needed to tell me something before I left.” Her voice was shaking by that point and he saw a single tear roll down her cheek. “You said -” She paused and took two long deep breaths and then finally continued. “You said - that - you’re in love with me.” Nik felt the heat of anxiety crawling up his neck, turning his face red. Gwen kept going, talking faster as if she needed to just get it all out before she lost the nerve. “You said you know I don’t feel the same, that’s why you’ve never said anything before, but you just couldn’t hold it inside, or bury your feelings any longer - you said you needed me to know the truth.” There were tears rolling down both of her cheeks at that point, slipping out from her closed eyes. “Then you kissed me.” 

Nik waited but when she didn’t speak for some time he realized that was all she was going to say. Did that mean it was the end of her story? Or the rest was just too much to vocalize right then? “Was, uh, was that all? Just the kiss?” he asked, clearing his throat nervously. 

“After the kiss, I told you that you were drunk and you needed to get some sleep. I laughed at you and I left as you yelled out ‘It’s the truth. I love you’ to my back.” Nik sat in stunned silence. He had too much going on in his mind to even know where to start. “I planned on teasing you about it. I thought it was just a joke. But when you didn’t mention it the next day I figured you just wanted to pretend it never happened, so I didn’t say anything at all.”

“So why now?” he asked the million dollar question. 

“Are you sure?” she whispered. “Once I answer that question it changes everything.” 

Nik nodded. “If you don’t answer that question I lose you, so I’m willing to take the chance.” 

Gwen met his eye boldly for the first time since he’d arrived. “Because the more I thought about what you said the more I realized that I felt the same,” she said. Nik felt like someone had just punched him in the stomach. He couldn’t breathe. “It no longer mattered if you were telling me the truth or joking because I’m in love with you. And I don’t think I can be around you as friends anymore.” Her words were spinning through his mind and Nik realized that he was losing her either way. 

“Giles?” he whispered. A single word was all he could get out. 

“He knows. I told him everything and I left him because he didn’t deserve to be with someone who no longer loved him with their whole heart.” Nik felt nauseous thinking about his conversation with Giles on the phone. The man must have thought he was a complete ass. “These past few days - away from you, without talking to you or texting you - I was making progress Nik. I was figuring things out and making a plan for my future - my future without you in it.” Those words cut him deep, like a sharp knife was making bold slashes to his heart. Her future had to include him. He just couldn’t imagine living in a world without her as a part of his life. “But now you showed up here and you undid all the progress I made with one fucking smile.” Her voice cracked at the end and he felt her pain. He felt all of it and it was heavy and dark and completely overwhelming. 

He needed to get away. He needed to think and figure out what these feelings meant. He needed to sort out why his heart felt like it was shattered one second and felt like it was beating wildly with elation the next. Nik stood up. “I should go.” The sob that came out of her buckled his knees and he had to catch his footing. “No, it’s not like that,” he stammered, trying to explain. “I need to think and I feel like I’m suffocating here.” 

“I told you. I tried to warn you. I knew this was just going to make it worse. You shouldn’t have come here. You should have just left me alone.” The words were flying out of her as fast as the tears that were coming down her cheeks. This time she was cracking and it was his fault. This time he couldn’t deny her comfort, even when she tried to fight it. Nik put his arms around her and took the beating of her fists against his chest and the flailing and twisting of her body trying to escape him, yet he held fast. Her elbow caught his eye, hard and he knew he would have a black eye to explain, but he refused to let go of the raging, wild beast in his arms. 

The only thing he knew for sure right then was that he couldn’t lose her. He didn’t know what that meant or what that would look like - he just knew he would find a way to keep her in his life. Finally she stopped fighting and slumped against his chest. Nik held her while she cried and he allowed himself to cry with her so she knew how much he was hurting too. He hugged her until they were both finished and the tears finally stopped. 

“I should leave. I’ll call you though - please pick up this time.” Nik knew it was time for him to go, but he couldn’t leave without letting her know one more thing. “What I said that night - it was the truth.” He waited to see the tiny spark of hope in her eye before he finally turned away and left. It was completely selfish, but he needed to make sure he’d planted that tiny seed of optimism in her. He could only pray he wouldn’t make things even worse by doing that. 

As Nik drove down the bumpy lane and then onto the gravel road it finally struck him what he’d just done. He just admitted to her that he was in love with Gwen. He’d admitted it to her before he’d even consciously admitted it to himself. But it was the truth. The feelings he must have been burying for years were bubbling up inside him, released into his conscious thoughts where they were met with the resistance of so many other conflicting emotions. I love my wife. I love my kids. I love Gwen. It was like trying to mix oil and water. They would swirl around together for a moment, but eventually separate because they just weren’t able to fit together in his reality. 

He had a two hour drive back to the city and then he would find a hotel and likely stay up all night trying to deal with the mixed up mess in his head. At least that had been the plan, until he felt the car bump and shudder and he realized his tire was flat. “You have got to be fucking kidding me,” he muttered. 

It was pitch black. There was no way he was changing a tire on a narrow road in the darkness. Nik pulled the car off to the side of the road as far as he could and picked up his phone to call Gwen to come and get him. He’d tried to leave her like he knew he should and then this happened - Nik couldn’t help but think that the universe was somehow pulling them back together.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I can’t believe you guys and all the wonderful, kind, comments on the last chapter. I was nervous about that one and you all made me feel so much better ❤️ 
> 
> Just a reminder to those who may not want to post comments publicly for whatever reason, or those who might have more to say, you are welcome to email me if you like. LovingGwendolaj@yahoo.com 
> 
> Hope everyone has a great weekend. 😘😘😘

“I’m so sorry,” Nik apologized on the short drive back. “I didn’t mean for this to happen.” 

“Did you hit something?” Gwen asked, with her usual accusatory tone that he’d grown accustomed to. 

“Not that I’m aware of,” he replied. He really didn’t think he’d hit anything, but he’d been so lost in thought and the road was so bumpy there was a chance maybe he’d hit something. 

“Then you were probably driving too fast,” she concluded. Nik scowled at her. Yeah, of course it was his fault. “You need to learn to slow down,” she said as they crept along the road at a snail’s pace. 

“How very responsible of you,” he teased. 

“Oh piss off,” she replied, smiling just a bit. This felt good. This felt right. They were truly at their best when they were going at each other. It was times like this that he just couldn’t lose. 

She pulled in the drive and they went inside. Nik set his backpack down at his feet. “I’ll get out of your hair first thing in the morning. I’ll see if I can change the tire myself, if not, I’ll call for a tow back to the city.” 

“You’re going to try changing a tire?” she said, with a snort. “I might have to stick around and watch that.” 

“I can change a tire,” he said stubbornly. “How hard can it be?” 

“You’ve never even tried before?” Gwen laughed harder. 

Nik heard his phone ring and it made him realize he had completely forgot to call Nukaka. It was no surprise when he pulled it out of his pocket and saw it was her calling. He gave Gwen an apologetic look. 

“I’ll go find some bedding for the couch,” she said softly. 

He nodded and answered the phone. “I am so sorry, I completely forgot to call and tell you I landed safe,” he said. 

“It’s okay, I’m used to it,” she teased. He really did have a bad habit of forgetting to call - it was an inside joke between them. But this was one time he should have remembered and he felt awful. “So you’re in London? Did you find her?” His wife rarely said Gwen’s name. It was always ‘her’ or ‘she’ or ‘your friend’. 

“Outside of London, yeah,” Nik said. “She’s staying at a little house out in the country.” 

“And where are you staying?” she asked. The guilt he felt was heavy. She wasn’t going to believe the truth. He wondered for a moment if he should lie, but he just couldn’t do it and there was no point. He hadn’t done anything wrong - in this case at least. 

“I was actually just heading back to get a hotel in the city for the night, but I blew a tire,” he explained. 

“So you’re waiting for a tow?” Her voice was tense - she knew exactly where he was. 

“No, I’m just going to sleep here on the couch at Gwen’s for the night and I’ll try to change the tire in the morning,” he said truthfully. 

“You don’t know how to change a tire.” Nukaka wasn’t teasing him like Gwen had, she was simply stating a fact. He could tell she wasn’t in a joking mood at that point. “Is everything okay?” she added, her voice very flat and monotone - the way it always got when she started thinking the worst. The problem was, this time she wasn’t entirely wrong and the second he tried to assure her that everything was fine he would be lying. 

“It will be I’m sure,” he replied. “She just has some things to work through.” Nik didn’t bother to explain further. That wasn’t a conversation for a phone call - it needed to be done in person, as soon as he was back home. 

“Okay. Well, I hope you’ll be home soon. I miss you.” Nik felt sick because if he was being honest, he didn’t actually miss her back. Not yet anyway. It took more than a day or two of being apart before he really started to miss her anymore. He was quite used to being apart for days, if not weeks, at a time. The truth was, she was far more dependent on him than he was on her. There were times it was a bit of an ego boost to know she needed his support and guidance so deeply, but there were other times, like right then, that it was a bit suffocating. 

“A couple of days at the most,” he assured her. Nik honestly wasn’t sure how long he needed to think and to prepare himself for one of the worst conversations of his life when he finally returned home. 

“Okay. I love you,” Nukaka said, sounding a bit more cheerful. Perhaps she thought he was going to be away much longer. 

Out of the corner of his eye he saw that Gwen had returned to the living room with bedding for him. “Me too,” he replied. 

There was a moment of silence. “Say it back.” Her voice was icy and terse. “She’s there isn’t she? And you can’t even tell your wife you love her back?” And there it was - yet again, as usual, but this time he couldn’t just tell her she was wrong because it was true. He didn’t say it because he knew Gwen was right there to hear. 

He was going to have to hurt one of them and he just wasn’t in the mood to deal with yet another fight with Nukaka so he gave in. “Love you too,” he said, trying to sound genuine and not just completely pissed. 

“Thank you,” she said in a softer tone. “Night my love.” 

“Night.” He hung up and gave Gwen another apologetic look. 

“I know you love your wife, I’m not delusional. You don’t need to pretend you don’t for my benefit,” she said, handing him the bedding. “You can’t turn off those feelings in five minutes - and I don’t know if you even want to.” 

“I don’t know yet either,” he whispered. She deserved to hear him say that, even if she clearly already knew. That was one of the things he loved most about Gwen. She was absolutely brilliant. She could read people and she was very intuitive. In this situation they found themselves in though, her brilliant mind might work against him. “Thank you,” he added as he took the blankets and pillows from her. 

Their hands brushed briefly and he felt a jolt of electricity course through his entire body. It was strange how the simple knowledge of these new feelings had changed everything in the blink of an eye. Nik suspected he had been in love with Gwen for a long time but hadn’t recognized what those feelings were until recently, while under the influence with all inhibitions long gone. The thing he truly hated was the guilt that came along with the love he felt for her. It would have been the most amazing feeling in the world to be able to just love this gorgeous, brilliant woman, without feeling like an asshole because there was another beautiful woman in his life who he also loved, and had for over 20 years. 

“I’m going to go to bed and see if I can somehow get some sleep,” Gwen said, giving him one last look before she turned around. 

“Night,” he said too softly for her to hear, as he watched her walk away. Nik quickly made up the couch with the bedding she had brought him and climbed in. There’s no way I’m going to sleep at all, he thought, sighing out loud. 

He closed his eyes, but there was so much going on in his mind. He heard his phone ding with a text message and picked it up. “What are you doing woman?” he muttered, when he saw what his wife had sent - a mostly nude selfie. She looked sexy as hell and he would have appreciated it, if it wasn’t sent with an ulterior motive and so much desperation. Instead of inspecting the photo he cleared the notification and turned his phone face down on the coffee table, without replying. That would likely make her very angry or she would start making up crazy things in her head, but he couldn’t play those games with her. There was too much weighing on his mind to feed into her ploys. 

Is this how it’s going to be? He wondered. Nukaka didn’t even know the truth and she was already making ploys for his attention. What would happen when she found out everything he’d learned? What would happen when she found out all her fears and insecurities hadn’t been completely wrong? He could barely tolerate her accusations lately, but now he no longer had moral high ground to stand on. 

He worked his brain into a massive headache in a matter of a few minutes. I just want to sleep, he thought, sighing out loud again. He took a deep breath and his mind drifted to Gwen. Was she still awake too? What was she thinking about? Nik knew that it would be difficult for Gwen to have her future in someone else’s hands. She trusted him, he knew that, but she always had a very strong grip on her life and personal goals. She had to be right on the edge of insanity, knowing it was out of her control. That realization just put even more pressure on him. There were so many lives that would be affected by whatever decision he came to. Nothing he’d been through in his life before even came close to this. 

The last time Nik checked his phone it read 1:45am and sometime after that he finally fell asleep, waking again at 7:45. 6 hours was far more sleep than he’d expected he would get and he was thankful to his brain and body for making it happen. 

As he rubbed his eyes the dream he’d been having came flooding back to him and he felt his cheeks flush. He also noticed he had some pretty epic morning wood happening, likely a result of the erotic images wafting through his mind from that dream. It was the first time he’d ever had a sex dream about Gwen and boy, was it a good one. 

If her mouth felt even half as good wrapped around his cock as it had in his dream she would kill him. His groin ached as he relieved the memories of making love to her in his dream. Nik groaned and his cheeks flushed. He had to get to the shower and get control of the situation before Gwen appeared and he was busted. Would that be so bad? He thought. Guilt washed over him again for even thinking it and for the dream. He knew he couldn’t control what he dreamt, but he could control his dirty thoughts and he made himself a promise he would do just that, even though he knew he would likely break that promise over and over again. 

He made a beeline for the bathroom and after a difficult pee and a luke warm shower he had things under control. Any other time he would have just jerked off and got it over with that way, but he was already feeling like a pervert for the dream, so he just couldn’t do it. 

“Fuck,” he grumbled when he realized he didn’t have a toothbrush because he never did pack it. He started rooting around in the drawers and sighed with relief when he found a tube of toothpaste and an unopened toothbrush. Gwen’s was on the counter, so he made the assumption it would be okay to use it. 

Once he was dressed he headed to the kitchen and started a pot of coffee. He hadn’t heard anything from Gwen and assumed she was still sleeping. Nik got out his phone and found a tow company then called. Nukaka and Gwen were right - he couldn’t change a tire. He didn’t even know if the rental would have the tools he needed or a spare tire. The woman he spoke to assured him there would be someone there at 9am. Nik looked at his watch and saw he had about 30 minutes. 

While he was on the phone he heard the bathroom door close and knew Gwen was up. She appeared about 10 minutes later and he had a coffee waiting for her. “I called for a tow,” he said. “I realized the rental probably doesn’t have that thing you use to lift up the car.” 

“A jack?” she replied, looking amused as she took a sip of coffee. 

“Yeah, so there’s no point in wasting time,” Nik shrugged, as if that was the real reason he wasn’t attempting the tire change. 

“Uh huh,” she drawled, giving him a knowing smile. “What time are they coming?” 

“9. So I’ll leave shortly and walk down.” The ache in his heart that he felt from just talking about leaving was shocking and unexpected. 

“Are you sure? I can drive you,” she offered. 

“Nah, it’s fine,” he shrugged. “It’s really not that far and I could use some fresh air.” She nodded and took another drink of her coffee. Nik finished his own mug and stood up to go put it in the sink. The truth was, he really didn’t want to say goodbye to her with the tow driver standing there waiting. 

He walked back over to the table and stood beside her. “Are you okay?” he asked gently. It hurt him badly to think of what she might be feeling and thinking once he left. 

“Not really,” she admitted honestly, looking up at him, trying to force a smile. 

Nik touched her cheek with the back of his hand and she closed her eyes. “Does it make it better or worse if I tell you I love you?” he whispered.

She smiled with her eyes still closed. “Better.” 

“Okay, then - Gwen, I love you,” he said huskily as he ran his thumb over her bottom lip sensually. The guilt was there, as usual, but he somehow pushed it aside for a moment. He needed her to have this moment to hold onto while he was gone - and quite honestly, it was necessary for him as well. 

“I love you too,” she replied, opening her blue eyes to gaze up at him. Never in a million years would he have expected to be looking into her ocean blue eyes, while she admitted her love, and see the truth staring back at him. 

Nik knew that the right thing to do was to say goodbye, walk out the door and go meet the tow driver down the road. But the look of love and desire in her eyes was too much for him to walk away from. They had already kissed twice. He had already broken his wife’s trust and was in a world of trouble. What would one more hurt? He convinced himself that one more betrayal wasn’t going to matter with what he’d already done. 

He touched her cheek again and then slowly bent down to meet her lips. But as he did Gwen reached up and pulled him down to her until their mouths met and he felt her soft full lips on his. He kissed her tenderly, carefully, but it was apparent almost instantly that she wanted none of that. He felt her hands on his shirt, her fists clenching the material as she pulled him even harder against her. Nik groaned softly, low in his throat, and she swallowed it up as her lips parted. 

The taste of her, as their tongues met, made his heart pound. The way she was kissing him was like the rush of going down a hill full speed on his bike, or base jumping off a cliff. The thrill he felt, the endorphins, the hormones, the emotions - it was all unbelievably euphoric. This kiss was even better than the one last night because it wasn’t a shock, or surprise - it was planned and desired, by both of them. 

When he finally broke away it was because he had to, not because he wanted to. He could no longer trust himself to not give in, or take things further, only adding to the mess he was already in. Nik knew when to say when. The ultimate betrayal was something he just had to avoid. He ignored the voice in his head that was telling he was already a cheater and an asshole, so what did it matter? “I have to stop,” he whispered, laying his forehead on hers. “I’m sorry. I just have to.” 

Her hand came up to stroke his cheek and his neck. “I know,” she whispered back. “It’s okay. I know.” Nik lifted his head slowly and looked into her eyes. “Thank you,” Gwen said softly, and he knew she understood everything. She was being so patient, but how long would that last? As he kissed her lightly, one more time, and then left, he couldn’t even fathom the decision he was facing. It was impossible. How could he break one woman’s heart to be with the other, when all he wanted to do was protect them both?


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Love you guys so much. That’s all. 😘😘😘❤️❤️❤️🥰🥰🥰

On the way back, riding in the tow truck, Nik noticed a sign for a bed and breakfast about halfway between Gwen and the city, so once he dealt with the rental and it was ready to go again he drove back out into the country and booked a room there. It was a beautiful little place, with a private entrance to his room. It appeared that he was the only guest at the time, not surprising for the middle of the week out in the country. The room was cozy and comfortable. He had a bed, a couch, television, fireplace, and his own bathroom - everything he needed. 

On the way back he’d stopped and picked up a bottle of Blackwoods Gin and a little notebook and pen. Once he was settled in his room he got them out, poured himself a glass of gin, neat, and set to work on his self-counselling session. Sometimes it really helped him to write things down, which is why he’d bought the notebook. 

He decided to start with a list of pros and cons for his wife and for Gwen. It felt a bit ridiculous to be treating his life like a potential job or perspective vacation spot, but he knew laying things out on paper would help with the mess going on inside his head. 

He started with Nukaka, listing the positives and advantages of being with her. The list contained things like - mother of my children, kind, compassionate, comfortable, been together 20 plus years, amazing in-laws, history. With each thing he wrote down he felt like his mind was clearing out some junk and he could think more clearly. 

He decided to do the list of pros for Gwen before he got into the more negative stuff for both. When he finished he realized Gwen’s list was very different. It was filled with a lot of emotions - feels so good to be around her, makes me laugh, miss her the second we’re apart, love talking to her, knows me so well, feel giddy thinking about her. 

Nik set the lists side by side and drummed his fingers on the little table he was sitting at. It wasn’t terribly surprising that his wife’s list was about comfort and the things that made his life easy, while Gwen’s was like he’s cracked open his heart and dumped all his feelings onto the page. 

He flipped the pages over and started to work on the cons. He started with Gwen this time and came up with a page of ‘what ifs.’ What if things don’t work out? What if these feelings are just the excitement of new love? What if we can’t cohabitate? What if she doesn’t love me like she thinks she does? They got more detailed and bizarre to the point he tossed the pen down and gulped the rest of his glass of gin in one shot. 

Next he started on the disadvantages of staying with Nukaka, or at least he tried. He couldn’t think of a damn thing she had done wrong, other than the one thing he’d put on the list - she’s always worried about me cheating. He growled and hit the page with his fist. Was that reason enough to leave her, with the other side of the page filled with reasons he should stay? Especially when he fucking was towing the line of becoming a full fledged adulter with Gwen. 

The one thing he always went back to when they argued about her suspicious was that he would never hurt the girls that way. It wasn’t until that very moment that it really struck him what he was implying everytime he used that excuse. He was telling Nukaka she didn’t mean enough to him on her own to stay faithful, but the fact they had children together did. 

Wow, I am a complete asshole, Nik thought. No wonder the woman was so insecure when he was away for a long time, or when he was with Gwen. It had been a long time since he’d made her feel like enough. It wasn’t true - in the past she was enough, whether they’d ever had kids or not, but was that still true? Was his wife enough to push Gwen out of his life and turn off the feelings he had for her? 

All the cleared our space in his mind, that had felt good at first, had turned into a UFC octagon, with two heavy weights fighting for the title. Just when he thought he was making a breakthrough, the other side would make a comeback and things would be even again. It was clearly going to come down to a split decision after 5 gruelling rounds. 

3 hours and a short lunch break later he had got absolutely nowhere. The host was kind enough to bring lunch to his room and asked if he would also like his supper brought there. “That would be great,” he replied politely. 

“Will it be just you for dinner?” She asked. 

That triggered something in his mind. “Actually I’m not sure. Can I let you know in about an hour?” 

She nodded. “Of course sir.” Nik promised he would call down to the desk soon and let them know for sure. 

Nik picked up his cell and dialed Gwen’s number. Anytime he had something pressing on his mind she was the one he talked it through with. It was usually work related and Nukaka tended to stay out of that part of his life. Even though this time his tribulation involved her and she was highly biased, he still needed her help. He had questions that only she could answer, and her responses could very well be pertinent in making his choice. 

He was relieved when she answered right away. “Didn’t expect to hear from you so soon.” 

“Come have dinner with me tonight,” he blurted out. 

“Uh,” she stammered, hesitant. “I don’t know.” 

“I’m at a little B&B about 45 minutes from you. My room has a private entrance. No one will see you. They offered to bring supper right to my room. It’ll just be the two of us and we can talk.” He stated his case passionately and hoped for the best.

“I thought you needed time to think,” she replied. 

“I’ve been thinking all day and I haven’t got anywhere,” he admitted. “I want to talk to you, there are things I need to know. But I also, well, I really just want to spend time with you while I’m still here,” he admitted. It was the truth. He didn’t know what their future would hold. If he decided to stay with his wife there was a good chance this could be the last time he and Gwen would see each other. Not if he could help it obviously, but Gwen had made it clear that she couldn’t be ‘just friends’ any longer. 

“What time?” She asked with a sigh. 

Nik gave her a time and hung up feeling absolutely giddy with excitement. This is what being in love feels like, he thought with a contented sigh. It had been a long time since he’d experienced those first flutters of new love and the nervous anticipation of being with the person who had recently captured heart. Of course he had loved Gwen for a long time, but being in love with her was completely different. It made him buzz. It felt like he was high on really good drugs. If only - if only that fucking guilt wasn’t there. 

He called down to the desk and let them know there would be two of them for dinner, then he put away his notebook and decided to have a shower. He didn’t really need to, but riding in the tow truck with the window down was a bit dusty. The excitement he was feeling about Gwen coming for dinner didn’t fade at all, it just kept getting stronger. 

By the time she finally arrived he was in the best mood he’d been in for well over a week. “Oh my God your eye,” was the first thing she said when she came in the room. She ran her fingers lightly over his shiner. “I’m so sorry.” 

The black eye he’d received from her struggle the night before was quite prominent and yet another thing he was going to have to explain to his wife. But he obviously wasn’t upset with her about it and she didn’t need to apologize. “It’s fine. It was an accident,” he said, giving her a bright smile. “Come in. They just brought dinner like two minutes ago and it smells amazing.” 

The idle, easy, chit chat over dinner felt so good. He was actually able to ignore the feelings of doom and dread that went with discussing their situation, at least until dinner was over. He loaded the dishes onto the cart and pushed it out into the hall so they wouldn’t be interrupted by anyone coming to collect things. 

When he sat back down the mood in the room changed, they could both feel it and knew what was coming. Nik decided there was no point in stalling anymore, so he took a drink of his wine and got to it. “Were you really going to just push me away with no explanation? Did you really think that was going to work?” 

She shrugged. “I was feeling pretty desperate. I think you know what it’s like to get lost in your own head. To start second guessing everything and plan for the worst. I was planning for the worst - my life without you in it.” 

“If you were planning on pushing me out, and presumably letting go of your feelings for me - why break up with Giles?” Nik asked. 

Gwen thought for a moment. She had explained before that she felt Giles deserved better, but if she ended up burying her feeling like she planned, he still would have been the only man in her heart. “Once I finally realized that I was in love with you it became clear that I was using Giles as an escape mechanism for quite a while. I didn’t know it at the time, but the more I fell for you, the further I would progress my relationship with him - to put some distance between the feelings I was having for another man.” 

That made sense to Nik and he was glad he asked about it. He took another sip from his glass of wine and eyed her while he swallowed. “How do you see this going?” he asked. “I mean, if it all worked out the way you wanted, what would that look like?” 

Gwen sighed and rolled her head around in a circle. “I can’t answer that. I haven’t allowed myself to make those kind of plans. All I want - “ She looked up at him and bit her lip for a moment. “All I want is a chance to explore how we feel. I want the chance to end up together and happy. I want the chance to find out if we’re meant to be.” 

He was silent for a moment and then spoke softly, “So you expect me to give up everything for - a chance?” Nik hadn’t meant for it to sound as harsh as it did, but he knew from the look in her eyes that he’d just punched her in the stomach. 

Gwen stood slowly and set her napkin on the table. “I knew this was a mistake. My gut told me it was, but I still came.” Her voice started off calm, but by the end of her second sentence her eyes flashed and her voice changed. “I should never have told you anything. I should have made up some lie, pushed you away and figured out how to live without you in my life,” she hissed angrily. 

“You know I wouldn’t have let you do that,” Nik said calmly. 

“I wouldn’t have given you the choice. I’m not an idiot Nik, don’t treat me like one. I will never be your other woman and I know you’re not going to leave your wife for me. I never expected it and I know it’s not going to happen.” 

“How can you know that, when I don’t even know myself?” he asked, standing up so they were much closer to eye level. 

“Don’t do that,” she said, her voice softer with a scared warble. 

“Do what?” he asked gently. 

“Give me hope. Don’t give me that thing to hold on to, because I will. I’ll hold on to it until you shatter my heart into a million pieces.” Her eyes were wet and shiny. 

“I’m not trying to give you false hope,” he said passionately. “You seem so certain, but I have no idea what’s going to happen. I really don’t. I’m just being honest.” 

“Then lie to me,” she growled. “Lie to me and tell me this would never work. Tell me that you don’t love me back. Tell me we could only ever be friends, nothing more. Say you would never leave her. Just make something up and let me go.” The tears spilled over and his heart clenched, feeling her pain. 

“I can’t,” he whispered. “I’m so sorry, but I can’t tell you I don’t love you because I do. I love you more than I ever thought possible. Don’t you see? Can’t you see that my heart is breaking? I don’t want to hurt you. I don’t ever want to hurt you,” Nik added much softer. He took a chance and reached out and touched her face, wiping away the tears with his thumb, smearing the moisture across her cheek. 

“But you will,” she breathed, looking at him with sad eyes, full of all the pain he never wanted to see in her. “I should go,” Gwen whispered, but she didn’t move. 

Nik’s heart was beating wildly. His mind was spinning, telling him to just hug her and let her go. Yet he couldn’t stop the words from coming out of his mouth. “Stay with me - here. Spend the night, with me.” With each word his lips crept closer to hers as alarm sirens went off in his mind. Don’t. This is wrong. Cheater. But yet again, he just couldn’t stop himself from moving towards her mouth. “Say you’ll stay,” he whispered. The last of his words tickled her lips, just before his mouth found hers.


	6. Chapter 6

The eagerness of her kiss was intoxicating, better than any type of alcohol he’d ever consumed. Nik pulled her body flush against his and enjoyed the feel of her soft curves. As they kissed his hands began to roam, down her side, over the gentle swell of her hip and then around to her ass. He tugged her even tighter against his groin area, where his cock was already throbbing and aching inside his jeans. 

His mind was focused on nothing but consuming her, in every way possible. He wanted to touch every part of her body and feel her creamy, white skin under his fingertips. He wanted to taste her desire, drink it in, and ride the buzz from the high he would feel afterwards. Nothing mattered to him in that moment but her and the way his body, mind, and soul, craved her. 

He moved his kisses to her neck and Gwen moaned several times. Each breathy sound coming from the back of her throat felt like her hand stroking his pulsing erection, from base to tip and back down. He wanted this so badly. All sanity and reason fled him. His morals and standards were nowhere to be found. It was pure, carnal lust and desire that fueled him. 

With the slight gap between them created by her leaning back to give him access to her neck and throat, he was able to slip a hand up her shirt and cup her breast. She moaned again and Nik had to take a deep breath and focus before he came in his pants. He started to push up on her bra, desperate to feel that sweet mound of flesh in his hand and to touch her rock hard nipple. 

“Stop,” Gwen said, gasping. She pushed her palm against his chest. Nik immediately released her, took two steps back and held his hands up like she was a copper arresting him. His body could barely contain the pounding of his heart, both from the arousal of what had just happened and the terror of her abruptly ending it. “We can’t.” Those two words served so many purposes. They felt like a bucket of cold water dumped on his groin. They were a knife straight to his heart. And they allowed the heaviness of his guilt to suddenly bear down on him from above, threatening to crush him completely. 

“I’m sorry,” he mumbled with his eyes closed, repeating it four times. He wasn’t just apologizing to her, but to his wife and his two daughters as well - apologizing for what had almost happened. 

When he opened his eyes Gwen looked just as broken as he was feeling. “Please don’t think I don’t want to,” she whispered. “I don’t think I have ever wanted anything more.” 

“It’s okay,” Nik said soothingly. He wanted to comfort her physically too, but he knew that was impossible. “I understand,” he added, even though he really didn’t. He had no idea specifically what made her stop, just an overall understanding of wrong versus right once again. 

“Nik,” she sighed. “This isn’t just for me, you need to know that.” The pain in her voice was killing him. “You are already being eaten alive by the guilt of what I told you and those kisses back at the cottage. Your heart is so full of conflict because of how you feel about me and you can barely fathom having to tell your wife the truth.” Again, she demonstrated how well she knew him. “You don’t need one more thing weighing on your mind, because this one more thing, this huge, massive deceit, it will destroy you.” He nodded slowly, but he couldn’t speak. “And if that isn’t enough - I can’t let myself give in either. If we’re going to do this I need to be the only woman, not the other one. I think I deserve that much.” 

Her voice broke at the end and the knife in his heart twisted. “You do,” he agreed. “You deserve all of that and more. You deserve everything.” And I want to be the one to give it to you. He kept that last part to himself because he still didn’t know if that was going to be possible and he couldn’t hurt her more than he already was. 

“I should go,” she said, her tone filled with uncertainty, even though they both knew it was the right thing to do. “If I hug you before I leave, can you handle that?” 

“Absolutely,” he whispered. He needed it badly. He couldn’t imagine her leaving without that moment of peace between them. Nik opened his arms and let her come to him. When she stepped into his embrace he pulled her to his chest and he took in everything - the way she felt, the way she smelled, the sound of her breathing, and he committed it to memory. When things got really bad he would close his eyes and remember that when he needed it most she was there - comforting him, and if he didn’t fuck things up she always would be. 

When he felt her grip around his midsection lighten he knew it was time to let her go and he released her. “Just keep in touch. I don’t know what else we can do.” Nik had mused over and over how that would work. Being in her shoes, waiting, wondering, having no idea what was happening with him and putting her life on hold - it would be torture. Keeping in touch might be hard, but he would find a way because she deserved that too. 

Suddenly Nik had an idea. “Three weeks,” he blurted out. “Meet me here in three weeks and we’ll figure everything out.” It seemed absurd to put a timeline on something when he had no idea how much time he would need. It could take months, or maybe just a few days - but three weeks sounded fair. Not too long, not too short - though he knew it would feel like an eternity to her. 

“Okay,” she agreed. “Bye Nik.” 

“Wait - are you going back to the cottage? I should follow, just to make sure you’re safe. I won’t get out of the car, I promise. I’ll just watch and make sure you get inside safe and I’ll leave,” he said, worrying about her heading out there in the dark to such a secluded area. 

“Actually, I’m going to spend some time with my Mum,” Gwen explained. “Sometimes a girl just needs her mum to get through a rough patch.” She gave him a soft smile. “I’ll be okay. Bye.” She gathered her things and headed out the door with a little wave. 

“Bye,” Nik said to no one, once the door shut behind her. He had to ignore the emptiness he felt with her gone, because it could have easily consumed him. Instead, he focused on the plan ahead. He booked a flight for the next day and then texted Nukaka his flight information. With no delays he would be home by 3pm. Once he was home, it was the moment of truth. He would sit her down and tell her everything. He would watch her heart break into a million pieces and then spend the next little while trying to decide if he wanted to help put it back together or if it was even possible. Once everything was in place Nik had one more tumbler of gin and went to bed. 

Nik was only off by 15 minutes. At 3:15 he walked through the front door and was greeted by his entire family. “Welcome home,” the girls cheered happily. 

Safina hugged him first. “Hey sweet girl,” he mumbled, kissing the top of her silky hair. Filippa was next. “Hi beautiful.” He gave Nukaka a curious look over Filippa’s shoulder. 

“We haven’t had a nice family dinner and game night in forever. I told the girls you were coming home and they’re both free until around 8, so surprise,” she explained, giving him a warm smile. 

Nik shoved away the thought in his mind that there was once again an ulterior motive. This was his family and he loved them, so he was going to enjoy this surprise they had planned for him - before the shit hit the fan. He decided he would take everything because, just like when he left Gwen, he didn’t know when or if there would ever be a moment like this again. 

Dinner was amazing - it always was. Nukaka was a great cook and she prepared delicious meals and even better desserts. They sat around the table talking, laughing and enjoying being a family. He looked at his daughters, both smiling and laughing, and his stomach knotted. So many people in the world didn’t have what they had. There were broken homes, abandoned children, abuse, mental illness, and so many other horrible things. They were the lucky ones. He’d been so fortunate to have two amazing girls and a wife who made their house a home for more than two decades, even before the girls came along. 

They cleared the table and played several games they all loved. When 8pm rolled around Filippa’s boyfriend was at the door to pick her up and Safina texted a friend who was going to meet her for a movie. By 830 they were both gone and the house was eerily quiet. 

Nik wondered if it would be best to wait until morning to get into all the bad stuff and not taint a beautiful afternoon? But he worried about what would happen if Nukaka tried to initiate something - could he make love to his wife with another woman on his mind and his head full of guilt? And if he refused, for any reason, how would she react? No, he knew it was best to just rip off the bandaid as soon as possible. 

Nukaka had went to their bedroom to change, so he wandered in there to find her sitting on the edge of the bed. “That was a really nice afternoon,” he commented to her back. When she didn’t respond Nik knew right away that something was wrong. When she stood up slowly he couldn’t breathe. The room had gone from cozy to a polar deep freeze in a matter of seconds. “What’s wrong?” he asked. 

When she turned Nik could see that she had something in her hand. She walked in his direction, her eyes boring into him, filled with rage. As soon as she was close enough her arm shot out and her hand slammed a piece of paper against his chest three times and then let go. It was hard enough to make him grunt from the force. He caught the paper before it fell away and when he looked down at it his head started to spin. “Fuck,” he whispered, as his world completely fell apart.


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> When you get to the end - I haven’t decided yet who it is so if you have suggestions I’m listening ☺️

Nik felt his stomach lurch. All the plans he had made in the last 24ish hours were out the window. That little bit of edge he had on the situation - by being able to admit the truth about his indiscretions with Gwen, the kisses, admitting he loved her when they were in LA - it was gone. The paper he was holding in his hand had already spilled the truth for him. 

“I can explain,” he insisted, still staring down at the piece of paper in his hand, a photo Nukaka must have printed off here at home. How do you explain to your wife why your tongue is in another woman’s mouth and your hands are all over her ass? 

“You swore to me, over and over again, that this wasn’t happening,” she yelled. “You made me feel like I was crazy. We fought how many times?” she seethed. “How long has this been going on? How long?” she screamed. 

“I swear to you that I was coming home to tell you everything,” Nik said calmly, hoping his tone of voice would keep her from escalating further. 

“After you went to London and fucked her again?” she hissed. 

“No, no,” Nik shook his head. “That never happened. It was only a few kisses - that’s all.” Of course that wasn’t everything - there was the huge part about how him and Gwen were in love with each other, but one step at a time, he told himself. 

“I don’t believe you,” she said sadly. 

Nik took a deep breath to try to calm his churning stomach. “Nukaka, sit down and I’ll tell you everything.” 

She crossed her arms and glared at him. “I’ll stand, thanks.” 

With one more deep breath Nik started at the beginning and told her the entire story that he’d rehearsed, the story he’d planned to tell her before this photo. He even included the truth about how he’d got the black eye. When the girls asked earlier he made up a lie about hitting his face on the steering wheel when his tire blew. He hated lying to them, but the truth was insignificant in the grand scheme of things, so he’d told himself it was fine. 

He studied his wife’s face the entire time and couldn’t believe how composed she was. Even when he admitted that he was in love with Gwen and she felt the same way Nukaka mostly held it together, though he could see the pain in her eyes. Nik wanted her to break down. He wanted her to throw things and scream and hit him. He needed her reaction to befit the amount of guilt he was feeling inside. But she punished him even more by not giving him that satisfaction. 

“How long have you known?” he asked, suddenly confused about the family dinner and why she hadn’t just confronted him right away. 

“Since last night,” she replied in a cold, monotone voice. 

“But everything was fine - we were good, with the girls, dinner, the games -“ He was completely miffed and in shock. 

“You forget my Love, that I’m an actor too,” she said, her tone as cold as ice. “The great Nikolaj Coster Waldau, Emmy award winning - uh, oh, wait, sorry - Emmy nominated actor,” she drawled, throwing out a searing burn. “I put my career on hold for years to support you -“ 

“Oh is that what you call it?” He snapped, interrupting her. “Supporting me? I was on a hugely popular television series for 10 fucking years and you never even watched an entire season,” Nik growled. The anger boiled over because he was too busy trying to deal with the guilt to keep it inside. “I pretended I didn’t care, but the truth is - I’ll never forgive you for that. Thrones paid for this house, our kid’s education, our comfortable, luxurious at times, lifestyle - and you couldn’t even bring yourself to watch it? Or get to know my coworkers? Attend premieres with me? Let’s keep our work lives and private lives completely separate,” he said, mimicking something she’d said many years ago. 

She yanked the photo from his hands, “Looks like you weren’t able to do that were you? I guess Jaime went back to Brienne after all,” she snapped, wadding the paper up with her hands into a ball. She threw it at his face and he batted it away before it hit him. 

Something triggered in his head as his attention was drawn back to the photo and he couldn’t believe he hadn’t asked about it already. “Nukaka, where did you get that photo?” he asked, his tone eerily calm. 

“The private investigator I hired to follow you in London sent it to me last night,” she said haughtily. 

Nik’s calm demeanor cracked. Actually, it exploded. “You hired a fucking P.I. to follow me?” he screamed. “Are you insane?” He felt horribly betrayed, so much so that he ignored the fact that her instinct had been right and he was just as much to blame for everything. “How many times has some creep been following me around, watching my every move?” The hairs on the back of his neck and his arms stood up and he shivered. The idea of someone taking photos of him during an intimate moment, the thought of someone watching him around every corner, it was revolting. 

“This was the first time,” she replied. “I just knew something was going on and I had to have proof.” 

“But there wasn’t anything going on, not before the past two days, so you had no way of knowing,” he yelled. “This is just another case of you suspecting the worst and not trusting me.” 

“You’re going to use that? Right now? You’re going to bring up trust?” She yelled right back. “I don’t even know if I believe you that it was only a few kisses.” 

“Oh good, then why don’t you have another spy follow me, put hidden cameras in my hotel rooms, record my phone conversations - maybe you’ll confirm your suspicions then. Maybe he can send you a video to watch.” Nik knew his words were hurtful and cruel, but he was too angry to think straight anymore. 

“Fuck you,” she snapped. He saw the tears in her eyes though, finally, yet he had absolutely no desire to comfort her. Maybe when the dust settled and he calmed down. Maybe when the guilt returned and he realized this was mostly his fault. Or maybe he would never feel the urge to comfort her again. Maybe this was it. She couldn’t possibly want to work things out anyway, not when she couldn’t trust him. 

After at least a full minute of silence, both of them standing there with red faces, looking anywhere but at each other, she finally spoke again. “The girls and some friends are throwing a party for my birthday in a couple days. I don’t want you there. I can barely stand to look at you right now.” Back to the icy tone. “Find some reason to be in LA and go away for a while.” 

“Gladly,” he snapped back. He was about to turn and start yet another round of packing when he heard her continue speaking. 

“We’ll figure this out when you get back. But from this moment on you’ll cut ties with her.” His neck instantly got hot again, listening to her words. “It’s over. Whatever was going on with you and her is done today. You need to prove that your family is more important than your fling. And maybe then we can move past this.” 

Nik wanted to explode again. He was in no mood to listen to her demands and ultimatums. Yes, he had broken her trust and betrayed her, but she had broken his as well. “I’ll think about it,” he replied, somehow managing to keep the rest of what was in his mind from coming out of his mouth. 

“What’s there to think about?” She snapped. “Call her and end it, once and for all. Then work on fixing our marriage.” 

“I don’t know if it’s worth fixing,” he admitted, shocking her and himself. He didn’t know if those words were the truth or just born out of the seething rage he was feeling. “This distrust you have for me started long before Gwen came along. It grew to the point you hired someone to follow me around. You paid someone to invade my privacy. That’s sick.” 

“Oh my God,” she groaned dramatically. “Do you want to see the rest of the photos he sent me? I can pull them up for you. Don’t you dare tell me I’m sick when you’re the one making love to another woman.” 

“We weren’t making love,” he screamed, stomping his foot like a child. She was pushing every button and he couldn’t stand it anymore. Maybe what’s worse was that she was hitting too close to the truth, but he wasn’t ready to entertain that thought. 

Nik started to pack, again. He needed to get out of there, to get away from her. 

“What are you doing?” She asked.

“I’m packing. You told me to leave. I’m leaving,” he hissed.

“You should sleep first,” she sighed, talking to him like he was an idiot.

He emptied his clothes from his bag and replaced them with clean things in a matter of seconds. He had stuff in LA anyway, so he wasn’t too worried. “I’m heading to the airport. I’ll sleep when I get to London.” 

“London? Wh-What?” She stammered. “You’re supposed to be going to LA.” 

Nik ignored her and started to walk away. He knew he was being a complete and total asshole but he was too lost in his rage and anger to act like a decent human being. When he got to the airport he would book a flight to Los Angeles and sleep on the way. He would call his agent and publicist and have them find him some work to keep him busy while he was there for a while. 

When he got to the front door he stopped and turned back to face her, then gave her one last punch to the gut. “London - LA -” he shrugged. “Wherever I turn up I’m sure your P.I. guy will keep you in the loop.” Then he turned around, opened the door, walked out and slammed it behind him. 

Nik drove to the airport way too fast and luckily managed to avoid a speeding ticket on the way. He could only hope that when the anger wore off and all the other emotions came flooding back, that he could hold it together until he was alone in his LA home with no one watching the meltdown he knew would come. A couple hours later when he took a seat in first class, on a non-stop redeye to Los Angeles, he wished he had of went back to London. There was only one person who could make everything better - the one his wife had forbidden him to see. 

The problem was - he knew he couldn’t involve Gwen until he sorted out his feelings. He couldn’t give her hope and then yank it away if he changed his mind. His entire life was falling apart and he couldn’t bring her down with him. If and when he had the chance to be in her presence again he wanted to be a whole man, not a broken shell. The only problem was - he had no one to turn to when the two people who always made it better were off limits. Nik sighed and tucked himself under a warm blanket to try to sleep. Before he drifted off he had a thought. There was someone in LA he could talk to. For the first time in several hours - Nik smiled.


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I’ve been meaning to say this for a while, but thank you all for helping me to realize that people will still read a story that doesn’t have a lot of smut. (Don’t worry there will be some eventually lol) But when I started out on this venture I worried people would quit reading if I didn’t provide copious amounts of Gwendolaj smut. But you all have been so supportive and amazing with the sweet and encouraging comments that you’re truly inspiring me more with each chapter. 
> 
> I truly appreciate you all so much!!

Nik was fortunate that he could sleep anywhere, so by the time the plane landed in LA 11 and a half hours later he was well rested. But the first problem was, since he’d left late at night it was the middle of the night in LA, which would put his body off for a few days. The other problem was, when he arrived at his home, in the darkness of the night, and he opened the door, stepping into the quiet loneliness - everything he’d been holding in hit him, hard, just like he knew it would eventually. 

He fought hard, but finally gave in and let himself cry. He wasn’t the type of guy that cried very often, but when he did it was a very ugly cry. There was so much going on in his brain that he just gave up on trying to sort it all out, fell onto the couch and let his body sob until eventually it stopped. His eyes were stinging, his nose was stuffed up and his head was pounding, but emotionally, allowing himself to let everything out, was actually far more cathartic than he ever would have expected. 

He went to the bathroom and washed his face, then took some pain meds for the headache. It was still a couple hours before the sun would start to come up, so he threw on a hoodie and went outside to the top of the garden and lit a fire. He loved sitting up there and decided it would be a great place to think. Unfortunately, all he could feel was his girls. They loved being up there too and any time the whole family was in LA, they always spent time enjoying that little area together. Safina and Filippa would be the hardest part of the entire situation - no matter what choice he made. Even if he stayed with Nukaka, there was bound to be tension and arguments - the girls would notice and they would feel it. If they ended up splitting - that was another messy emotional explosion he would have to sort through. 

He flipped his phone over and over in his hand. It was almost lunch time in London. Gwen would be awake. He wanted to call her so badly. He wanted to give in and just let her soothe him because he needed a moment of peace to calm his mind. He promised he would keep in touch. No. It wasn’t the right time. There was a back and forth struggle consuming his inner monologue, but the rational side finally won out and he decided to hold off. Maybe after he talked it out, hopefully later on that day, he would be in a better place to be able to call Gwen and hold onto the last shred of dignity he had left. 

Nik opened up the GOT group chat and scrolled up a ways to find Peter’s last reply and double check what he thought he remembered. Yep, it was just as he thought - Peter and his family were in LA for another week. They had decided to take a break from the harsh NYC winter and spend a few weeks on the LA coast in a beach house he rented whenever he was in town. Nik had been there before and it was gorgeous. Even though it was the middle of the night still, he decided to text Peter anyway, so he would see the text as soon as he woke up. 

_Are you free for a couple hours today? I’m at my place in LA and I really need someone to talk to._ He was about to hit send, when he decided two Lannisters were better than one and added Lena to the message. He also changed the text slightly to ‘are you guys free’ and then hit send. Initially his instinct had been to just talk with Peter, but why not have a female opinion too? He trusted them both and knew they would give it to him straight. 

Nik somehow shut off his mind and sat up there to watch the sunrise. He didn’t have a perfect view with all the trees and foliage, but it was nice to just see the shift in the light and feel the temperature start to change along with it. He wondered what it would be like to have Gwen beside him on the bench, snuggled up to his chest? 

He felt a pang of guilt for thinking about that, especially in an area that meant something to his family, but it didn’t stop him from continuing with the fantasy. He closed his eyes and he could almost feel her weight leaning on him, and smell the scent of her shampoo when he breathed. Her hair was always so soft and he imagined what it would feel like touching his cheek. Nik took a deep breath and sighed. Just thinking about Gwen and sharing a little moment like that with her, made his body tingle with excitement. All those amazing firsts they would do together - holding hands on the beach, waking up early to watch her sleep, holding her in his arms to slow dance to her favorite song - and so much more. He wanted it. He wanted all of it. 

His mind shifted to his wife. He’d already had all those things with her and they were so special. He thought about the very first time he laid eyes on her and fell in love on the spot. He was happily married when he met Gwen so that hadn’t happened with her - and that actually made Nik feel a bit cheated. He continued to the moment each of his girls was born. That was another thing he probably would never experience with Gwen. It wasn’t completely out of the question, but he didn’t even know if she wanted kids, so he decided it was a long shot and the two times he had already had that experience would likely be the only ones. There was nothing else in the world like watching the woman you love grow a baby inside her, your baby, and then one day she goes through grueling labor and presents you with this perfect little human. No matter what happened between them he would always love Nukaka for giving him that, not once but twice. 

As usual, he wasn’t getting anywhere with his thoughts. He picked up his phone and opened his browser and then typed in ‘how to choose between two women you love.’ There was an article that came up first with 7 expert tips so Nik clicked on it. “Oh,” he said out loud when he read the first one - Make a List (But not like Ross Geller). He chuckled at the Friends reference while feeling proud of himself for already doing exactly what the first expert tip suggested. 

When he moved onto the second tip his ego inflated even more - Get Input From Family and Friends. I’m rocking this, he thought. Nik decided not to read the next tip just yet. He closed the browser and decided he would come back to it after talking with Lena and Peter. He hoped they would reply back soon, but to kill time he decided to go inside and see if there was anything that might suffice as breakfast. 

When he couldn’t find a damn thing, Nik changed into running gear, slipped some cash in his pocket and headed out for a jog. He jogged to a bakery he liked and had a quick, light breakfast, and then walked back home. When he took his phone out of his pocket there was a text from both Peter and Lena - _You need me, I’m there Brother, what time?_ And - _Lannister reunion, I’m in. I’m free all day, just let me know when._

Thank God, Nik thought, smiling. He was so thankful to GOT for bringing these two amazing people into his life. They really did feel like siblings and this just confirmed what he knew - they would be there for each other whenever they needed it. Nik checked his watch and then replied. _11am, my place. Does that work?_ Within a minute they had both replied saying they would be there. 

It gave Nik plenty of time to shower and then get on his computer and put in a grocery order to pick up that afternoon. At 10:55 the doorbell rang and when he opened the door the two of them were standing there together. “She picked me up on the way,” Peter explained, before Nik bent way down to give him a hug. Lena was next and he embraced her warmly. He already felt better just being in their presence and knowing he was taking a step in the right direction. 

He couldn’t help but feel nervous though, as they settled around the kitchen table to begin. Once he started talking, everything just spilled out of him. Lena and Peter both listened without interrupting, to let him get it all out. Nik finished with a joke about being the stupidest Lannister to lighten the mood a bit. 

After a brief chuckle Lena spoke, “I can’t say I’m surprised.” She gave him an apologetic shrug. 

“I agree,” Peter said with a nod. “You and Gwen have been dancing around this for years.” 

“What?” Nik said, shocked. “We have not,” he scoffed. They both gave him a look and Nik sighed. “Well I didn’t know it was happening.” 

“Are you sure about that?” Lena asked. “I mean, it’s besides the point now anyway, but maybe you just didn’t want to see it because it felt wrong.” 

Peter nodded. “I bet that’s the case because literally everyone else saw it.” 

“Well maybe someone should have fucking told me,” Nik grumbled. He wondered if Lena was right? He knew he’d buried his feelings recently, from himself, but could those feelings have developed far earlier than he knew? And clearly he hadn’t buried them deep enough if others could see it. “So what do I do?” he added. He was feeling desperate for someone to just make the decision for him. He wanted someone else that he trusted to do the dirty work and he could just push ahead and deal with the fallout. 

“I fucking love Gwen,” Lena said. “And I wish I could just tell you to drop everything and be with her. I can see the chemistry between you. I’ve known you both for a decade and your relationship is truly something special. But I’ve also seen you as a family man and I know losing that part of your life will hurt you badly. I worry it will hurt you so deeply that you might end up resenting Gwen because of that loss.” 

Nik had considered that very thing himself and agonized over it. The last thing he ever wanted to do was feel any sort of animosity towards Gwen for his choice, but the pain of losing his perfect little family wasn’t going to be easy to overcome. 

“I think,” Peter began, pausing to collect his thoughts. “I think you almost have to separate the two things so one isn’t contingent on the other. I know in reality one is dependent on the other, but just in terms of making your decision.” Nik wasn’t following so he was appreciative with Peter continued. “If Gwen wasn’t in the picture would you be even considering leaving your wife?” 

“Before or after I found out about the PI?” Nik asked, feeling anger burn inside him just thinking about it. “Maybe he’s out there right now. Smile and wave,” he sneered. 

“Give me both options,” Peter said. 

Nik sighed. “Things were okay before. I mean, she’s always been suspicious and we have fought about that for years, but she’s never got to the point where she completely lost her trust in me before.” 

“And you didn’t help yourself with that situation did you?” Lena commented. 

He glanced over and nodded in agreement. “But now I worry that I’m going to have some creep following me around for the rest of my life. Maybe I deserve it, I don’t know?” he shrugged. “But that makes me wonder if we could possibly get past this. Not just her, but me too.” 

“Trust was broken both ways,” Peter agreed. “That will not be an easy fix. If you decide to stay with her it’s going to be so hard. And I hate to say it, but you’ll have to remove Gwen from your life - there’s no way you get past this without giving Nukaka that.” Nik wanted to vomit even thinking about that, but he knew Peter was right. “So back to my point,” he continued. “I think you need to decide if you want to stay with your wife without Gwen in the equation at all. Right now, you have a back up plan, a safety net. You leave your wife and you have another incredible woman who you will no doubt be very happy with, waiting for you. In my opinion, you need to take that out of the equation.” 

“Yeah,” Lena nodded. “I actually agree with that.” She pushed up her glasses. “Obviously, it shouldn’t diminish what you feel for Gwen, but I think allowing her to be a specific factor in your choice will make it too easy - at least initially.” 

The two of them went back and forth talking as if they shared a brain and Nik was happy he’d decided to include them both. “If you weigh your options and decide to leave your wife without Gwen being a factor it will alleviate any guilt that might impact your relationship with her down the road,” Peter said. “If you decide to stay and work on your family it should make it an easier fix because you chose them first and foremost. Does that make sense?” 

“I think so,” Nik muttered. It made sense, but his hesitation came in because he wasn’t sure if it was possible for him to approach it that way. 

Lena reached over and took his hand. “No matter what you choose someone will get hurt, but they’ll get over it and so will you. You’re not the first person who has been through this and you won’t be the last. Nik, look at me.” He did as she said. “You are a good person. You’re a good man in a really shitty situation. Don’t lose sight of that. Don’t beat yourself up because that’s not going to help.” She smiled at him. “If you were a fucking wanker I wouldn’t be wasting my time. Peter, maybe,” she joked. “But not me. I’m here because I love you and I love you because you’re a great guy with a huge, kind heart - so don’t fucking forget that.” 

“Well this is fucking sap fest,” Peter interjected. “But I have to say I agree.” He crossed his arms and smirked at Nik. “You sexy, handsome men and your problems with multiple women,” he scoffed, teasing him. 

“I guess I have a lot to think about,” Nik muttered. “But thank you both for coming and for all the advice.” They stayed a while longer, chatted about life and spent some time reminiscing about the good old days. As the two of them left they made him promise to call if he needed them again and he gratefully promised he would.

The second they were gone and he shut the door Nik felt the sting of loneliness hit him again. With all the time he spent alone over the years the pain had never been even close to what it was then. Normally he enjoyed being alone, at least for the first few days for sure. With an uncertain future and a wife who couldn’t stand to look at him he just felt so alone. 

Nik picked up his phone off the table. He hadn’t looked at it since before Peter and Lena had arrived. There were two texts. The first was from his agent letting him know that he’d been able to book a magazine photoshoot for the next day and possibly another the day after. He was thankful to have the distraction and the ‘excuse’ to have flown to LA. His finger hovered over the second text. He wanted to open it so badly. His heart was beating with anticipation and he felt a warmth spread through him. This woman was in his bones. He clicked on it and the loneliness faded right away as he slowly read what Gwen had to say.


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And perhaps we are finally getting somewhere 🤔🤔🤔

_I just had a feeling that you needed a smile, so here’s my best dad joke. Are you ready? Okay, I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon… I’ll let you know._ 😂😂 

Nik rolled his eyes, but also chuckled and smiled. He couldn’t believe that she had somehow known that he needed to hear from her. The fact she was trying to make him laugh was very sweet. 

_I did need that. Thank you._ He replied. He thought for a moment and then quickly typed a second text. _You should know I’m in LA right now. I need a few days to sort some things out, but I will call as soon as I’m up to it._

Her watched the dots on the screen and waited for her reply. _I understand. I just need to know that you’re okay?_

He smiled wider and he replied. _I’m a bit of a disaster, but I’ll be okay. You don’t need to worry about me._

_Okay. But please take care of yourself. Love you_

Nik’s hand was shaking as he replied to her. _Love you too._ As soon as he hit send he threw his phone onto the couch angrily. How could it feel so right and so wrong to say those three truthful words to her? 

As much as he understood Peter’s advice and wanted to make it work he wasn’t sure it was possible. She was rooted in him so deeply already. Pulling her out, even just temporarily, would leave too many holes. 

He picked up his phone and decided to check out the next tip from the article he was looking at earlier. The next one read - As Selfish as it May Seem, Put Your Feelings First. Well, that would be a lot easier if I could figure out what the fuck I’m feeling, Nik thought with a loud sigh. The article was basically saying that he needed to make his choice with his own feelings first, instead of, for example, choosing the woman who was more fragile because the other woman would handle the hurt better. He knew in his situation that Gwen would handle the rejection better than Nukaka, not only because she was just more emotionally tough, but also because she wasn’t losing a twenty plus year relationship, like Nukaka would be. But according to this article he wasn’t supposed to allow those kinds of things to sway his decision. Again, he honestly wasn’t sure he could do that. 

He moved on to check out the next one which was - Understand the Difference Between Want and Need. Even after reading it over a few times he wasn’t sure he fully comprehended it. He decided to stop there and marinate on those two new ideas for a while. 

Nik headed out to get his groceries and tried to avoid anyone that looked like they wanted to ask for an autograph or a selfie. He didn’t enjoy disappointing fans, but he just had no desire to make small talk with strangers and smile for their photos. He would be doing enough smiling and posing for the photoshoot the next day. The terrible part was that he felt like everyone was watching him and spent all his time looking over his shoulder, not just for fans, but wondering if any of them might be spying on him. 

He hurried back home and spent the rest of the day watching sports, not thinking about anything but how the keeper never should have been that far out of the net, or how it blew his mind how these athletes could cover one end of the pitch to the other and not look the least bit tired. Seeing how in shape the players were was what he used for inspiration to get out there and jog almost every day. If he had the chance to get into a pick up game or two he wanted to make sure he could still keep up. 

For the next three nights he laid in bed, thinking about things until his head would hurt so bad he had to take pain meds and knock himself out. But each of those morning he woke feeling like he had made a decision. The first day he was certain that the right thing to do was to try to work on his marriage but refuse to end his friendship with Gwen. He was convinced he could handle both, just like he had for years. But by the time he finished breakfast he was already second guessing his certainty and by bed time he was right back to square one. 

The next morning when he woke, it was Nukaka’s birthday. Perhaps that was part of why he woke up feeling sure that he needed to stay with his family and do whatever was necessary to maintain their happiness - even if it meant ending all contact with Gwen. This time he didn’t even make it out of bed before he changed his mind again. 

As Nik brushed his teeth he wondered what to do about wishing his wife a happy birthday. He didn’t want to ruin her day by calling if she didn’t want to hear from him. He decided a text was the best option. At least that way she knew he hadn’t forgotten or anything, but she didn’t have to hear his voice and be potentially triggered. He sent the text and she replied immediately with ‘thanks.’ Just one word, nothing more. That was fine with him. 

He did end up getting a second photoshoot booked so he spent the day doing that, then hopped on his bike and went for a long ride. Exercise helped to clear his mind, but sadly the second he returned back home his brain just filled up once again. 

After tossing and turning and a really shitty sleep, he woke up with a third plan. He would end his marriage and be with Gwen. That one stuck until he passed through the living room and saw a photo of Safina and Filippa - then it too shattered and he was once again right where he began. 

He went back to the article and checked out the last three tips. Making the ‘Wrong’ Decision Won’t End Your Life. “Easy for you to say,” Nik muttered. If he lost his kids in this mess it would certainly feel that way. 

The next one was interesting - Think About Each of Them After You’ve Had Sex & Are Alone. Are there really that many guys out there choosing between two women and fucking them both? He wondered. It’s like the article was practically condoning cheating. If only, he thought. If only he could have sex with Gwen with no consequences and then decide how he felt in a delirious post orgasmic state. But would that even be fair? Sex with Gwen was bound to be way more exciting and erotic, simply because it was new and different. It was really fair to compare that to what he would feel after comfortable, complacent sex with his wife. The article wasn’t suggesting to compare the sexual act itself, just to use the time and emotions of the aftermath to really think about things. Yeah, that’s not going to work, he decided. 

Nik moved on to the final tip - Identify the Things That Make You Happy. The problem was that both women made him happy and so did his girls. Gwen and Nukaka were very different, yet they could each make him smile, laugh, and feel joy that was quite equal if he was being honest. 

After all that time reading through the article and wracking his brain over the last several days - Nik didn’t feel any closer to a decision. He was extremely frustrated and wanted to punch something. Instead he turned to exercise again and went for a run. 

About 4 blocks from his home he got a strange sensation that someone was following him. He peeked back over his shoulder and saw a young man, likely in his late 20s, keeping pace about 30 feet behind. Nik made a quick right and sure enough the guy followed. He tried three more random turns and still the man would show up keeping that same distance. 

Did she actually fucking do it again? He wondered, feeling the first burn of anger begin deep inside him. Was this man following him? Keeping an eye on him? Making sure Gwen wasn’t with him? Being paid from his wife’s pocket? 

Nik quickly took a left and then searched for a spot to hide. There was a hedge and he was able to slip between it and a tree which gave him coverage. He waited and as soon as he saw the jogger he leapt out and knocked him to the ground. 

They both landed hard with a grunt and Nik felt the rage boiling inside him desperate to escape. “Why were you following me?” He yelled, with his forearm to the man’s throat and his fist cocked. 

“I, uh, I wasn’t,” he stammered. Nik could see the panic and fear in the man’s eyes but he pressed harder. 

“You’re lying. I know you were following me,” he seethed. 

At this point a small crowd was starting to form. “No man, I swear,” he tried again, but Nik further cocked his fist and finally he gave in. “Okay, okay please don’t hurt me. I was following you.” Nik immediately released him and stood up. The anger wasn’t gone, not at all, but he really just wanted the guy to admit the truth.

“Why?” Nik asked, staring down at him. 

“I, uh, well, I recognized you like 5 blocks back and I was just following trying to get up the nerve to ask for a selfie,” he said, looking extremely embarrassed. 

Nik closed his eyes and sighed. Holy fuck, I just jumped an innocent fan, he thought, feeing sick over it. He opened his eyes and offered a hand. The man hesitantly took it and got to his feet. “Are you okay?” He asked. The man nodded and brushed himself off. “I’m really sorry, just been dealing with a lot of paps lately and I completely over reacted,” Nik lied. “Let’s take that selfie. I really am sorry.” 

Unfortunately with the small group that gathered Nik had to take sweaty selfies with a bunch of people before he could finally excuse himself and jog back home. When he got inside he headed straight for the bathroom and looked in the mirror. His face was red and glistening with sweat, but he could already see a lightness in his eyes that had been missing for days. 

What had just happened, what he’d done to an innocent man on the sidewalk - it was disgusting, embarrassing and horribly wrong. It couldn’t happen again. If he hadn’t been able to control his rage he might have punched that man and ended up with an assault charge. But what that incident provided him with was clarity. He could finally see the truth and he knew what needed to be done. 

As he cleaned the blood off of the knee he’d scraped when he tackled the poor man, Nik felt a deep sense of relief and he smiled. The smile would fade soon - the road ahead wouldn’t be an easy one. But the fog had finally lifted and he at least knew which direction he was headed. Now he just had to figure out exactly how the next step would work.


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I’m seriously considering following this one up with a Gwen POV to get her reaction. But I was originally going to stick to just Nik’s POV. I don’t know what to choose 😭😭 
> 
> Thank you all for reading - you are wonderful 😘😘😘

Nik booked a flight back to Copenhagen for the next morning, packed his things, and then went out to the pool for a quick swim. The groundskeeper he had hired to maintain the property had done an amazing job. The bushes were trimmed, the walkways were clear of leaves and debris, and the pool was crystal clear. It was actually the first time he had actually paid attention to any of that since he’d arrived. 

When he climbed out of the pool a while later, it was also the first time he’d spotted his lizard friend Frank. Nik watched the little guy scurry around as he sat in a chair drying off in the sun. “Hey buddy,” he said, as the reptile stopped for a moment to stare at him. “Do you have any advice for me?” He asked. It didn’t feel the least bit strange to be talking to a lizard, given the fact that Nik had been wandering around talking to himself for days. 

“I’m in a bit of a situation, see, my wife hired a private investigator to follow me last week and it’s not something I can get past. You know what I did?” He asked, watching Frank run up and down the chair beside him. “I almost beat the shit out of some innocent fan who was just hoping for a selfie because I was so paranoid he was spying on me.” The lizard stopped and looked at him. “Don’t roll your eyes at me. This is serious,” Nik said. “Hey, where are you going?” He called out as the little shit disappeared. “Some listener you are,” he muttered. 

He knew what had to be done, but Nik still hadn’t figured out how exactly he was going to tell Nukaka he wanted a divorce. The only place he knew to start was buying the plane ticket home because it was obviously something that had to be taken care of in person. He had done some research on divorce laws back home, which he recalled had changed a bit just over a year ago. Because him and Nukaka had children they were required to take a mandatory, short online course and there was also a three month reflection period before the divorce would be finalized. On top of that would be all the messy legal stuff to divide their property and of course determine custody of Safina since she was still a minor. But he was getting ahead of himself with all of that because he had to break the news to her first and deal with the fallout of that before anything else could move forward. 

It wasn’t going to be pretty, because Nukaka would be completely blindsided. She wasn’t even considering divorcing him after seeing the photos of him kissing Gwen, so him completely turning the tables was going to be a huge shock. If anything, she was probably only prepared for him to fight her on her ultimatum of removing Gwen from his life - which was now a moot point as far as he was concerned. 

Telling the girls would be the next step, but he wasn’t even ready to think about that yet. One thing at a time, he told himself. It was going to be a torturous few months, but there was one thing that eased the sting - thinking about Gwen and allowing himself a glimmer of hope for their future together. 

He hadn’t called her yet, but as he headed back inside he decide it was time. The only problem was that it was the wee hours of the morning there and she would still be sleeping. He would have to wait until it was past his bedtime before she might possibly be up. Or he could wait until the next morning, but he really wanted to talk to her without being rushed by the need to get to LAX. 

He killed time with a long shower and then he prepared himself dinner. Once he was done eating it would still be a few hours before he could call so he laid in bed and turned on the TV. He quickly set an alarm because he had a tendency to drift off while watching movies. 

Turned out he didn’t need the alarm anyway because he spent the whole time thinking about Gwen. Now that he had sorted out a lot of the mess in his head he was actually able to think about other things and his current state of mind was rather X-rated. What began as a simple recollection of their last encounter, turned into an explicit sexual fantasy where he finally got to have all of her. 

The fantasy, of course, left him hard as a rock. It had been a long time since he’d come, with or without help. As he started to stroke himself and let his mind wander to a new Gwendoline fantasy, he wondered why he hadn’t thought of this amazing stress relief technique long before then. As she sucked him off in his mind Nik moved his hand along to the bobbing of her head. The truth was, he really didn’t know a lot about Gwen sexually, other than the fact she was an amazing kisser and had a very naughty mind. If he was a betting man he would put money on the fact that she had some serious kinks and would be a lot more adventurous than he was accustomed to - which he would happily explore with her. 

After he came Nik felt more relaxed than he had all week - and a bit sleepy. He checked his watch and was pleased to see it was late enough to call Gwen. He would likely still be waking her up, so he hoped she would be happy enough to hear from him to forgive him. 

“Ohhhh, what time is it?” Gwen groaned as she answered the phone. 

“Should be a little before 7 there. I’m sorry,” Nik apologized. 

“It’s okay,” she said with a yawn. “It’s really good to hear your voice.” 

“Yours too,” he replied truthfully. Her sleepy, hoarse voice was like the radio playing his favorite song. 

“Obviously you’re still in LA?” She stated, but with a questioning tone. 

“I’m flying back to Denmark tomorrow morning,” he explained. 

“Oh,” she said softly. He couldn’t blame her for her reaction. She had no idea what was going on, what he’d decided or how he was feeling. 

Nik wasn’t really sure how to tell her though, or how much to tell her even. But as soon as he started talking it all just came out, every last bit from his fight with Nukaka, to meeting with Peter and Lena and their advice, to the agony he’d been feeling trying to decide, to the moment that morning that he had figured it all out. 

“Gwen it was awful, the poor guy was terrified. I just really thought she had sent another PI to watch me while I was out here. I’ve been looking over my shoulder everywhere I go. I can’t live like that, and I know it will always be in the back of my mind,” he added. “So I’m going home tomorrow and I’m telling her I want a divorce,” Nik finished. 

“Oh my God,” Gwen gasped. “I, uh, I don’t even know what to say to all that? Or how I’m supposed to feel,” she admitted. 

“I hope you’re happy,” Nik said softly. “That didn’t come out right, I mean, I hope that this is good news to you and that it’s still what you want.” He had no idea why he was feeling so insecure and nervous. “But listen,” he continued. “Even if we don’t have a future together - I will still be getting a divorce. With the way things worked out, it wasn’t a choice between the two of you, Peter and Lena helped me look at it a different way, it was a decision of whether I could stay with my wife or not.” 

“I can’t help but feel a bit responsible,” she replied. “I mean, if the PI hadn’t got a photo of us kissing you might never have known she hired one.” 

“Don’t,” Nik interrupted her. “ Don’t think that way,” he said more gently. “I would have found out eventually, this just got me there sooner.” 

“Are you okay?” She asked. “Tell me the truth.” 

“I actually am, right now anyway. It felt really good to tell you everything, it’s amazing to hear your voice and - well, if we have a future, I can’t wait to start thinking about it,” he said softly, as those insecure feelings crept in again. 

“Why would you ever think we didn’t?” she asked. “I love you, and I’ve been sick to my stomach every single day planning for the worst news possible.” 

“I’m so sorry I put you through that,” he whispered, as his heart ached. “I wish I was there with you now so I could wrap you in my arms and hold you.” 

“You’re such a good man,” she breathed. “I know this whole thing was agony for you because you’re such a great guy. And I know you have a lot more hurt and pain to come. So I want you to know I’ll wait for you. I’ll wait until you get everything figured out and I’ll be patient and supportive. If it takes weeks or months I’ll wait.” 

“You and I have a date in just over two weeks and I intend to keep it,” he replied, feeling his check flutter at the thought of being alone in that room with her again. “But if you’re okay with it, I would like to take things slow.” 

“Yeah, I understand, it would look bad if you got a divorce and a week later you and I go public,” she said. 

“It’s not that at all,” Nik assured her. “I wouldn’t want anything to hurt your career of course, but I don’t give a fuck what anyone thinks. I want to take it slow for us,” he explained. “We deserve the chance to have all of our own ‘firsts.’ Our first date, our first dance, our first kiss as a couple. I don’t want to miss out on anything. I don’t want to just dive in with my eyes closed. I’ve done that before, but this time I want to see and feel every single moment.” 

“That sounds beautiful.” When she spoke he could picture her with her eyes closed, a little smile on her lips, her hair messed up from sleep - and she looked gorgeous. 

As perfect as everything felt he couldn’t stop himself from being straightforward and realistic with her too. “Listen, I need to warn you - I don’t know how Nukaka or my girls will react to this. I doubt they are going to see it the way I do - as completely separate from my feelings for you -” He had to stop to swallow a lump in his throat thinking about Safina and Filippa. “Please don’t take it personal. They’ll come around eventually.” 

“I’ll be fine, I promise,” she assured him. He actually believed she would. Gwen was ridiculously resilient. “I’m actually more worried about how much it will bother you.” She was right to worry because it was going to bother him if there was too much animosity between the people he cared about the most. “I’ll give you time and space, but please call me if you need me, anytime, day or night.” 

They chatted a little longer and he finally had to say a reluctant goodbye. It was going to be an early morning, a long flight and an emotional few days to follow so he needed to rest. 

Tomorrow is the beginning of a whole new chapter of my life, Nik thought. Well technically the day after that since he would lose almost an entire day flying home. He couldn’t shake the nerves or the knot in his stomach, but there were feelings of relief, happiness and excitement that he hadn’t felt before. He rolled onto his side and went to sleep with that same image of Gwen in his mind - eyes closed, hair a mess, looking every bit as blissful as he hoped his future with her would be.


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I did it, a little Gwen chapter 😊 With the added bonus of something I hadn’t actually planned on including. But the idea came to me and it fits with things she’s actually hinted at too so I included it. Hope you all enjoy! Stay safe everyone ❤️❤️❤️

When Gwen hung up the phone she was proud of herself for keeping it together. The very last thing Nik needed right then was someone else to worry about. She’d convinced him that she was fine and that she would wait, but while the latter was true - the former was not. She wanted to be happy about what he’d just told her. She wished she could believe it was the truth and trust Nik with her whole heart. It would have felt so amazing to just let go of all of her fears and allow herself to be elated - but she couldn’t do it. The incredible news was the most terrifying thing she had heard in her entire life. 

Before his call Gwen had found a state of calm, finally. She honestly didn’t think Nik would ever leave his wife and she had rationalized everything, weighed all her options, and settled on something she was comfortable with. She would maintain her friendship with Nik, but make sure they were never alone. Gwen wasn’t sure it would work in the long run and she expected it might be painful, but after seeing him again the week before she knew it would be agony without him in her life at all. 

That was what she had decided when she was certain his call would not bring the news she wanted to hear. Everything had changed though. His call was everything she hoped to hear - not only was he planning on getting a divorce, it wasn’t because of her. He had found a way to relieve her of most of that guilt. In a 45 minute phone call she had fallen even more in love with him, which was only going to make it hurt more if things didn’t go according to plan. 

Nik sounded very sure of himself and certain of his decision, but could he still be that sure when he actually stood in front of his wife and told her everything? He’d told Gwen that even after seeing the photos of them kissing she hadn’t asked for a divorce and didn’t even seem to be considering the idea. That told Gwen that Nukaka wasn’t going to give up easily. She didn’t know the woman well or what she was capable of, but she did know that Nik was worth fighting for. 

That led to yet another problem - Gwen swore she would never be the other woman, but if Nik didn’t leave Nukaka she wouldn’t be able to resist putting up her own fight. Even though she’d had it all planned out before, this changed everything. Now that she knew he wanted to leave and they were so close to being together - how could she give up and just be friends with him? It would quickly turn her into someone she didn’t want to become. 

This back and forth in her mind was how her life had been for the past few weeks. She would settle on something and fixate on it, convincing herself it was the right choice, or the right way to feel - then something would happen that changed everything and she would be back to the start all over again. Here I am, yet again, she thought. 

“Why can’t I just trust him?” she muttered out loud. She knew the reason and it was all the things she loved about him. He was so kind, compassionate, thoughtful, and loyal to a fault. It was going to kill him to hurt people he loved and she just wasn’t sure he could pull it off without being drawn back in by the pain that he would want to fix - if not from Nukaka, from his daughters for sure. Gwen knew how much those two beautiful ladies meant to him and she worried deeply that their reaction could tear him apart. 

She rolled over and managed to fall back asleep, waking again almost two hours later. She found that once she got to sleep, she was actually sleeping a lot more than normal, likely from the exhaustion of the emotional toll this was taking on her. It was unbelievable how tiring it was to wrestle with her thoughts and feelings every waking minute. 

She had also been doing a lot of walking to clear her mind. She loved strolling around the beautiful countryside, into the woods, and through the fields. It was such an amazing contrast to the bustling city. This was what she remembered from when she was a child and it felt very comforting to be surrounded by good memories in a challenging time. Her mom never used the cottage anymore and said Gwen could stay there as long as she needed. Eventually she had to get her shit together and find a new place to live. There was also the matter of collecting her things from Giles, which she’d been putting off for too long. 

She wished she had kept her own flat that she’d given up almost a year earlier. It just seemed unnecessary when she spent all her time at Giles’ place and the fact they had entered into a more committed type of relationship meant she didn’t need her own place anymore. The cottage was a nice, rustic getaway, but eventually she would need to get back to the luxuries she was accustomed to and that would mean having to gather her belongings from Giles. 

After a shower and a long walk she returned home and made herself a bite to eat. Gwen was surprised by a phone call just after 1pm. “Hello?” She said, wondering why he was calling back. 

“Hey,” Nik replied, sounding breathless. “This will be quick, I’m running late and I need to get through security still.” She knew he was old school and still went through airports like everyone else, whereas she would pay an airline assistance company to make everything smooth, quick and efficient, and also to help limit the possibility of being spotted and photographed, or asked for selfies when she was in a hurry. 

“So I was thinking this morning, and I know it won’t be easy for you to just sit around, wait and wonder. I know what you’re like and I should have called you on it last night,” he said, sounding serious but amused. “After splitting with Giles I don’t know how much modelling you’ll be doing and I know you need to keep busy. You need something to focus on.” Gwen listened and didn’t interrupt, even to make a joke, because she was intrigued and dying to see where he was going with this. “I want you to do a project with my production company,” he finally announced. 

“What?” She gasped. “Are you serious?” She knew he was being careful about who he worked with again until the company got going and there was some time and separation from Thrones. 

“I am - Fuck,” he hissed. “Yeah it’s fine - Sorry, someone just bumped into me,” he explained. “Anyway, I’m going to text you my business partner’s number. I’ll send him an email on the flight explaining everything. But I want you to come up with a project, anything you want. Absolutely anything. You have full creative control. You can even direct if you want to, or we can hire someone, it’s up to you.” 

“Nik, I don’t know what to say,” she whispered into the phone. “You’re not worried about nepotism and what people might think?” 

“You already know I don’t give a fuck what people think,” he chuckled. “Besides, this is win-win for me. It means I get to work with you, and it means Ill Kippers has a big star heading one of its first projects.” 

“I’m not really that big of a star,” she replied modestly. 

“You should be. You’re amazing. You’re so talented and smart, and you make all the right choices. I trust you and I know whatever you come up with will be incredible.” Gwen felt a lump growing in her throat as she got a bit choked with emotion. “I also know you need this right now,” he added. “Before long this will all be over and we can be together,” he said softly. “But for now, focus on this and just trust me to do the rest, okay? Can you do that?” 

“I can,” she replied, nodding her head. “Thank you Nik, honestly, this is an amazing opportunity and I won’t let you down.” 

“I know you won’t. Shit, got to go,” he said. “Love you.” 

She was pretty sure she would never get used to him saying that so freely, but she would also never get tired of it. “Love you too.” 

When she hung up the phone, it happened again. Her entire perspective changed, but this time, finally, it was for the better. She knew Nik well enough to know that he would never have involved her in his company if he was the least bit worried about things being uncomfortable between the two of them. A less noble sort of man might have used it as a way to keep her in his life, offering an amazing job opportunity as a way of binding them together for the lengthy duration of the project - but Nik wasn’t like that. She trusted and believed with the utmost certainty that this was by no means any sort of bribe or offer with an ulterior motive. 

This was just further proof of how well he knew her. Not only did he know how badly she wanted to get back to acting, he also knew that she was picky about what projects she picked because she was always in search of more unconventional roles - which were difficult to find as anything more than a brief cameo or mediocre supporting role. But beyond all of that he had known that she wasn’t okay like she had tried to pretend she was. It was a bit amusing that she was congratulating herself just hours ago about how she’d pulled the wool over his eyes, yet she hadn’t done that at all. 

What Nik had actually given her was a gift, an escape mechanism to help her survive the next few weeks, maybe months, while he made a huge mess and then tried to clean it up. He had given her something else to focus on, something to fixate on and put all her energy into, so she wasn’t spending all her time worrying and wondering about their future. Maybe it was a little selfishly driven, because even if it wasn’t being used in any sort of manipulative way, it was still tying them together - perhaps that was what he needed and she wouldn’t begrudge him that. 

She said she wouldn’t let him down and she absolutely wouldn’t disappoint him - at all. She was determined to have, at the very least, an amazing concept to build on by the time they met again at that quaint little B&B. She grabbed her Macbook, set it on the kitchen table and immediately started her research. She would look for books, screenplays, unfinished projects, and even dig into fansites because she knew they often had incredible ideas that industry types ignored. As her fingers flew over the keyboard there was a smile all over her face. Nik was a truly special man, and one day soon he would be _her_ man - all hers.


	12. Chapter 12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope everyone is safe and healthy in these scary, crazy times. I will do my best to continue to update in a timely manner, in hopes that some may find getting lost in fiction for a moment or two a good escape mechanism. 
> 
> I know many of you have much more important focuses in your lives right now and I wish you and your families all the best. 
> 
> Please know that I don’t take the global crisis we are facing lightly, but I truly hope reading gives you a brief moment of calm, like writing does for me. ❤️❤️❤️

Nik had planned out everything he was going to say, rehearsed it over and over, and memorized it like his lines. The one thing he never had figured out was how to start the whole thing. We need to talk, please sit down, I think there are some things we need to discuss - nothing sounded right. He fixated on that opening line for a good two hours of the plane ride. But the next morning, when it was finally time - he completely blew it anyway. “We need to talk,” was the first idiotic think that came out of his mouth the second Nukaka walked into the kitchen. 

Nik had got home in the middle of the night and slept on the couch. “You didn’t come to bed,” was her response. 

“No, I didn’t,” he replied with a sigh. “Are the girls home?” Nik asked. Obviously this conversation wasn’t going to happen with them in the house. Hey, maybe that should have been my opening line, he thought with annoyance that he hadn’t realized that before. 

“No. Safi is a friend’s house and Filippa is with the boy, as usual,” Nukaka said, with a warm smile. His stomach churned at how her mood towards him had improved this much already. It would have made this whole distated just a little easier if she still hated him and could barely stand to look at him. “Listen, I know what you’re going to say,” she added quickly. “And maybe in time we can compromise on it a bit, but not at first.” 

What the hell is she talking about? Nik wondered. This wasn’t going according to plan at all. “Compromise on what?” 

Nukaka came to the table with her coffee and sat down. “I knew you would fight me on the Gwen thing. I think we need some time to work on our marriage with her out of the picture - but maybe it doesn’t have to be permanent,” she finished with a smile as if she had just given him a wonderful gift and was pleased with herself. 

Nik groaned out loud. He couldn’t hold it back. “It’s not about that at all.” This was going to be so much harder than he imagined, and he’d been planning for it to be very bad. Just say it, he told himself. He closed his eyes and spoke, “I want a divorce.” 

When he opened his eyes she was still smiling, then she giggled which turned into full laughter. “I’m sorry,” she snorted. “I couldn’t have sworn you said you want a divorce.” 

His stomach lurched and he fought off the urge to puke. “I did. I want a divorce Nukaka.” 

Her laughter choked and sputtered and turned into crying in seconds. It was the strangest shift of emotion to watch, but seeing her go from amused to anguished was like a sharp blade going right through his heart. “You picked her? You fucking picked her? This can’t be happening,” she screamed, shoving her chair back from the table. The chair toppled backwards as she stood and landed with a loud bang on the floor. 

Nik remained seated and tried to keep his voice calm. “I didn’t choose anyone. It wasn’t about that at all. Please sit back down so we can have this conversation. You deserve to know how I came to this decision.” 

“Fuck you,” she snapped, crossing her arms. 

It was clear she wasn’t going to sit down so he continued. “The whole time I was in LA I kept looking over my shoulder, feeling like someone was following me. I was jittery about it and very uncomfortable -”

“No,” she interrupted. “You can’t be serious. You’re throwing that back on me?” 

He swallowed the lump in his throat and continued with what he’d planned to say. “I went for a jog and a fan was following me, trying to get up the nerve to ask for a selfie - I thought he was your investigator and I jumped him. I fucking lost my mind and knocked the guy to the ground and was going to beat the shit out of him.” It bothered him to even relive that moment and how disappointed in himself he was for losing his cool like that. 

“You’ll get over it eventually,” Nukaka muttered. “It’s just because it’s so fresh.” 

Nik was already shaking his head. “You know me better than that. I won’t get over it. I’ll never let it go and it will eat away at me. That’s why I can’t be with you anymore. I’m sorry, but it’s over. We’re done.” 

“You are so full of shit,” she hissed. “This is nothing more than an excuse, a way to take the blame off of yourself. You’re going to make this my fault so you have a good enough reason to leave and to be with her without feeling guilty. I’m not an idiot - I know what this is.” 

“I don’t think there’s any way I can convince you that this has nothing to do with her at all. Yeah, it’s true that my decision would have been a lot harder if you hadn’t betrayed my trust -” 

“Wait a minute - your decision?” she snapped. “You’re telling me that you were _actually_ considering leaving me - for her - even before the photos?” 

He had no idea why she was fixating on that because she had to have known. He told her he was in love with Gwen - she knew that. How could she have no idea he was thinking about leaving her even before everything came out? “It doesn’t matter now,” he replied. 

“It does matter,” she insisted. “You really would have ripped apart your family for another woman? After all these years we’ve been together? After our vows?” 

“You knew that was a possibility,” he growled. She had finally pushed him far enough to let some anger seep in. 

“I never thought -” A sob cut off her sentence. “I never thought, she might win.” 

“It’s not a competition,” he interjected. He was completely off script now and he couldn’t even remember all the things he’d planned on saying, all the things he’d rehearsed. 

“There’s a winner and a loser - sounds like a competition to me,” she sniffled. 

“There’s no winner in this,” he said sadly. “We’re all losers.” 

Her eyes flashed with anger. “She is the winner,” Nukaka screamed. “She gets you. She gets what she wants. She gets to be happy. She’s the fucking winner.” 

All of a sudden Nukaka lunged for his phone and grabbed it. “What are you doing?” Nik asked, standing up. 

“I’m going to call and congratulate her,” she replied, with a maniacal laugh. Nik moved quickly, trying to grab her, but she was ready and she dodged him, then ran to the closest room and locked the door. 

“Don’t do this,” Nik yelled, banging hard on the door. “Leave her out of this.” He knew his wife was devastated and she wasn’t thinking clearly. He also knew she would be mortified later if she actually made the call. “Nukaka, stop, please. This isn’t you.” 

“Fuck you,” she yelled. He was quiet long enough to know she’d actually done it. “Hello Gwendoline,” he heard her say. 

He’d had enough. He put a shoulder into the door and slammed hard against it. On the second try it gave and the door burst open. Nukaka screamed and he saw his phone slip from her hands and clatter on the floor. Before she could grab it again he dove for it. The call was still connected, so he put it up to his ear. “I’m so sorry about that,” he said. 

In the background Nukaka was yelling, “I hate you, you stupid whore.” 

“I’ll call when I can,” he said into the phone, then quickly hung up before Gwen could reply, and shoved the phone in his pocket. He wasn’t sure he could handle hearing Gwen’s voice right then. 

He glanced at his wife. Her face was red and wet with tears, eyes puffy and swollen already. Her hair was wild and she looked like a caged, wild animal. She had slumped to the floor and was leaning against the tub. He wanted to hug her, but he was also extremely angry with her for calling Gwen and involving her in their fight. “You leave her out of this from now on,” he said coldly. His anger won out, and that said a lot. It really was over if he was more mad than compassionate. 

It took a minute but he could literally watch her face as her mind cleared enough to realize what she had just done. The guilt, shame and embarrassment hit her hard and he saw her face turn even more red. That allowed some of his anger to fade. “Come on,” he reached out a hand. “Let’s go back to the kitchen and finish this conversation.” She didn’t take his hand, just stared at it, so he tried again. “Come on.” 

Finally she reached up and he pulled her to her feet. They stood there looking at one another for a moment and suddenly she fell against his chest with a sob. Give her this, a voice in his head told him. Nik relaxed and put his arms around her. He held her while she cried and he rubbed calming circles on her back. “It’s going to be okay,” he whispered - whether that was true or not he really wasn’t sure. 

He gave her a little nudge when her tears slowed and they walked to the kitchen. Nik put her chair back and pushed it in when she sat down. “I’m so angry,” she said with a sigh, sounding a lot calmer at least. “I shouldn’t have done that, but I was just blinded with rage and not thinking straight.” 

“It’s okay,” Nik lied. It really wasn’t okay and he was still pissed that she’d done it, but he also understood doing something stupid because of anger and he couldn’t hold that against her. “We have a lot of things to talk about, but I’m going to give you some time and space first. We should plan to tell the girls sooner, rather than later. They’re going to know something is up.” 

“Can’t we try to fix this first? We could go to therapy? We could try talking it out with a marriage counselor. Why do we have to just give up?” Her voice was desperate. 

Nik shook his head. “It won’t work, you know that and I know that,” he said sadly. 

“But isn’t it worth a try? For us? For the girls?” she pleaded. 

“Please don’t do this,” Nik replied, feeling even more anxiety. Maybe he should agree? Maybe marriage counseling could help them work through this. Was he allowing his feelings for Gwen to cloud his judgement? He shook his head. No, he’d made this decision after agonizing over it for days. Jumping that poor guy had opened his eyes. There was no way he could ever keep from wondering if she had someone following him. He just couldn’t live his life like that, so that’s what he told her. “I can’t live my life wondering if every time you get suspicious of me, which we know has happened countless times over the years, that I’ll have a private investigator following me around.” 

“If you’re not doing anything wrong, what does it matter?” she asked. 

It was a simple, straightforward question, but he’d already planned to answer it. “Because you and I both know that a photo taken out of context could seem very incriminating when it’s completely innocent.” 

“Are you trying to say those photos I was sent the other night are an innocent misunderstanding?” she sneered. Things were quickly starting to escalate again and he realized that was likely going to become a pattern. 

“No, I’m not saying that at all,” Nik said, shaking his head. “I admitted the truth and took full responsibility for that. I’m just saying that in the future, I might hug a female friend and that moment frozen in a photo could look like something more when it’s not. It will just make you even more suspicious of me until things blow up again and again.” 

“So that’s it?” she snapped, her anger seeping through. “You’re just going to give up on us?” 

“Nukaka, you gave up on us a long time ago. You gave up when you hired a private investigator - you hired a PI - “ he repeated for emphasis. “To follow me and take photos because you didn’t trust me. How can I just forgive and forget that?” 

“You act so high and mighty about all of this. Do I need to pull out those photos and remind you of exactly why I did it?” she growled. 

Before he could speak another voice jumped into the conversation. “What’s going on here?” Filippa asked, her voice shaking. Nik looked over and his heart sank. Standing in the entryway to the kitchen were both of his beautiful daughters, looking sick and terrified. 

“How long have you been there?” he asked. “How much did you hear?” 

“We heard enough,” Safina replied. Just like that all the plans he’d made flew right out the window and a horrible situation suddenly became a complete nightmare.


	13. Chapter 13

Two hours later Nik was all by himself in a quiet lonely house, feeling absolutely exhausted from the emotional turmoil of everything that had just happened. It had been the worst couple of hours of his entire life, even though when all was said and done - things could have been a lot worse than they were. It was actually thanks to Nukaka, which was a hard pill to swallow. 

It turned out the girls hadn’t heard anything more than him talking about the private investigator. When they pressed for more information Nukaka didn’t tell them anything about Gwen or the photos or what he’d done. She took the blame for hiring the PI and she took the fury of two teenagers who blamed her for their parents breaking up. Nik did everything he could to ease their anger towards their mother, except admit his own fault in the situation because he knew what Nukaka was trying to do. 

She was being the best mom she could be and protecting her daughters from even more pain and hurt by taking the blame. Nik knew that she wasn’t conceding to him at all, she wasn’t admitting it was all her fault, she wasn’t in any way relinquishing her anger towards Gwen - she was simply doing what she could to minimize the impact on her kids because they were what mattered the most in this whole mess. 

Nik wondered if he would have been that smart and intuitive if the situation was reversed? Would he have been that strong? Could he have shouldered all the blame to make sure their daughters felt like they still had one parent on their side through the worst of this mess? He honestly wasn’t sure he could have done it. He didn’t know if he could handle the way they looked at their mother or the way they lashed out at her in anger and frustration. He knew it was only temporary. They would come around - he would make sure of it. They loved their mother as much as she loved them, but the sting and the pain of this news was making everyone so emotional. 

Before Safina left she let Nukaka hug her and tell her how much she loved her. She didn’t say it back, but Nik noticed how she lingered in the hug and that gave him hope. Safina took it harder than Filippa, at least in the moment. While Safina would lash out immediately and wear her emotions on her sleeve, Filippa would carry it with her and internalize. That worried him tremendously. 

Filippa’s departure was a bit different. She hugged him warmly, oddly, as i f nothing had happened, and she gave her mom a quick peck on the cheek wishing her a good time while she was gone. She hadn’t said much towards the end of the heated family discussion and Nik knew it was because she was already taking everything inside to process it on her own. Early on Safina had mentioned something about how she had tried to tell Filippa something was wrong, almost a year ago, and Filippa had ignored it. Nik wondered if perhaps Filippa was carrying some of her own guilt because of that. Filippa had always tried to protect her younger sister, though it had become quite difficult in the past few years as Safina grew into a very spirited young woman, who was pushing hard for independence and freedom. He knew that Filippa would take it upon herself to help her sister through this situation, even if it meant putting her own feelings aside. 

Once the girls had both left he didn’t know what to say to his wife. He didn’t want to upset her by saying the wrong thing, but he also didn’t want to upset her by saying nothing. “By the time you come back in a few days they will have come around,” he said softly. “Thank you for doing that.” 

“You would have done the same,” she replied, putting more faith in him than he had in himself. “If there’s anything we agree on it’s that the girls are the most important thing in the world to us both.” Just when Nik thought they were getting somewhere she continued, “They can’t find out about you and Gwen right away. So you need to figure that out. You make sure I didn’t make this sacrifice for nothing.” Her tone had turned icy cold and her gaze was full of loathing, yet she had almost a wicked hint of a smile on her lips. Nik realized that perhaps Nukaka had got a little consolation in the whole mess by effectively preventing him from moving on with Gwen too quickly. 

It wasn’t going to prevent their relationship, just slow it down some. Nik was too thankful for what she’d done to begrudge her that. Well played, he thought. The more he thought about it, the more he realized that maybe it wasn’t such a bad thing anyway. He’d already told Gwen he wanted to take things slow and this would help, as long as Gwen understood and accepted it. She was very private with her personal life anyway, so Nik really didn’t think it would be a problem for her. The problem would be his own want and need to have a normal, conventional type of relationship with the woman he loved. He wanted to be able to take her out for dinner and stare at her like she was the most beautiful woman in the world - because she was to him. He wanted to hold her hand in public and not worry about who spotted them together. But he knew he would have to be patient. 

Nukaka was on her way to the airport to catch a flight to Greenland, even though he had begged her not to go. She insisted that she needed to spend time with her family and be immersed in her traditional culture to sort out her emotions. She promised she would only be gone a few days because she didn’t want to be away from the girls for any more than that. She also said it would give him a chance to figure out his living situation - which made it clear she intended to keep the house and he would have to make other arrangements. 

Nik laid down on the couch and sighed. It was early afternoon and he hadn't eaten a thing, but his stomach was too queasy to even think about putting anything in his mouth. He turned his phone over and over in his hand. The screen was cracked in the corner from when Nukaka had dropped it, so he would have to go get a new one at some point. 

Fortunately it still worked just fine, so he decided it was time to call Gwen. He desperately needed to hear her voice. The phone rang twice and she picked up. “Hey,” she said softly. 

“Hey,” he replied, feeling his entire body start to relax with one word from her. “I am so sorry about that phone call.” 

“Nik, don’t worry, I’m fine. I understand,” she said calmly. 

“I know but you didn’t deserve that. She shouldn’t have brought you into our fight. I tried to stop her -“ 

“Hey, shhhh, it’s fine, really,” she interrupted him. “You don’t need to worry about me. How are you? I can’t imagine how hard that must have been.”

“Oh you don’t know the half of it,” Nik said, explaining what had happened with the girls showing up as he filled her in on the whole situation. It felt good to just get it off his chest with someone he trusted. “Now I’m feeling so guilty because the girls aren’t really mad at me, just her. Should I say something? Should I take some of the blame?” He already knew the answer, he just needed someone else to tell him. 

“You know you can’t do that,” she replied. “You need to be there for them right now and you need to help smooth their relationship with their mum.” Nik took a deep breath and closed his eyes. “I’ve seen the four of you together and I know you’ll get through this. They love you both and they will still love you both even if you aren’t together anymore.” 

“Are we going to be okay? You and I?” He asked nervously. 

“What? Of course we are. Why would you think any different?” She asked. 

Nik sighed again. “I don’t know, I’m just worried and on edge about everything right now.” His head was pounding and he was on the verge of tears as this moment of reflection was allowing everything to hit him at once. “I just need to know that you and I will be fine, that we’ll survive this. I don’t know how often I’ll get to see you. I don’t know how much the girls will need me right now. It’s all so up in the air.” 

“Hey, Nik?” 

“Yeah?” He replied. 

“I love you. That’s all,” she whispered. 

The threatening tears gave way to a huge smile. That’s all. She was exactly right. That’s all he needed to hear from her. “Thank you,” he whispered back. He didn’t need to say I love you too right then, she already knew and this moment was for him. “Distract me,” he blurted out. “When are you meeting with Joe? Have you come up with any ideas yet?” 

“Joe is so lovely,” Gwen gushed. “We had a long talk on the phone yesterday are we’re meeting for lunch next week to talk over some ideas.”

“So you have ideas already?” he asked, not at all surprised. 

“Yes and no,” she said coyly. “I don’t have any concept ideas or anything like that but -” he voice trailed off. 

“But what? Tell me,” he pressed. 

“Well, I know one thing that I want - it’s a deal breaker if I can’t have it,” she added stubbornly. 

Nik chuckled. “I’m sure we can make it work, what is it?” 

“You have to be my co-star and we have to be romantic leads,” she announced. 

Nik was shocked. He hadn’t expected that at all. When he offered her the project he figured she would come up with something very cerebral, unorthodox, and quite feminst. He wouldn’t have been shocked at all if her character was LGBTQ in some respect or even assexual. This news though, this was a shock to him. He wondered if she was doing this for him, rather than herself. “Gwen are you sure?” He expressed those same thoughts to her. 

“What makes you think that just because I want us to be romantic leads I won’t still come up with something - what was it? Cerebral, unorthodox and feminist?” she teased. He could see the smirk on her face from the tone she used. 

“Fair enough,” he replied. “How about you tell me why it’s so important to you that I’m your romantic lead?” 

Gwen chuckled. “Well, as much as I like to push the boundaries and surprise people - I also think if we learned anything from the Game of Thrones backlash it’s that you need to give fans what they want.” He nodded along as she was speaking. “You are just starting out with this production company and what better way to get some extra attention and publicity than to use a well developed fan base? Thrones fans and Braime fans in particular will be on board from the second they hear we are both in this project. That in itself will give us so much free publicity and attract excited viewers. The media will take it and run with it too, I’m sure of it.” 

“You’ve really thought this through,” he commented. 

“Well, someone thought I needed something to focus on to take my mind off other things,” she teased. “Oh and one more thing - we don’t have to worry about finding a co-star that I have chemistry with,” she added in a flirty tone. 

“That’s an excellent point,” he replied with a smile. “We do have amazing chemistry.” 

He could hear the excitement in her voice, “So is that a yes?” 

“Of course it’s a yes,” he chuckled. “I would give anything to work with you again. Uh, I mean, I’ll have to give it some thought and discuss it with Joe and Jeff,” he added, changing his tone to sound more professional. 

“Sounds good boss,” she drawled. Her voice was so sexy and sultry sometimes that it caught him off guard and made his heart skip a beat. 

“I can’t wait to see you,” he said in a husky tone. 

“Does that mean we are still on?” she asked, sounding a bit surprised. 

“I’ll be there - I promise,” he assured her. He didn’t want to lie to Nukaka about it, but he would if he had to, so it didn’t cause her any more hurt or pain. Although, he really didn’t have to tell her his business anymore anyway, so it would just be a courtesy if he did. “11 more days,” he said softly. 

“11 more days,” she echoed, sounding very blissful. Nik prayed nothing would prevent this trip to see Gwen, or cause him to break his promise, because he needed it - desperately.


	14. Chapter 14

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope everyone is doing well. Check in if you can and let me know how things are in your part of the world. Wishing you all safety and good health ❤️❤️❤️

The week following his talk with Nukaka was the most difficult time he’d ever experienced in his life. In the few days that she was gone to Greenland he did a lot of the paperwork and even met with the lawyer to discuss all the things that needed to be done. The divorce process had begun, but he wasn’t feeling good, or relieved about it at all - just more stressed. 

Safina was a nightmare to deal with for the first few days, well, in the rare occasions she was home and came out of her room. He tried to talk to her several times about why she needed to forgive her mother and how much the two of them loved her, but she would just snap out some sarcastic or rude comment, always directed at Nukaka, and walk away. He convinced himself that she just needed time to think things through and some space, even though his heart was telling him that she really needed her parents. 

When Nukaka finally came home the two of them were able to finally make a breakthrough with Safina. It was a long afternoon of angry words, sobbing, name calling and many accusations, but at the end of it the three of them actually shared a hug. She was still angry and still feeling quite lost, but Nik noticed in the next couple of days she came out of her room more often and actually spoke in her normal tone most of the time. 

He wondered if Filippa had helped smooth things over some too. She stayed home a lot more than normal, particularly when Safina was home too. She was hovering, worried about her sister, Nik could see it. He didn’t want her to have to carry that burden so he brought it up and they had a really nice heart to heart about her protectiveness for her sister, among other things. Filippa was devastated, he knew that, but she was also more open minded and curious about what the future would look like. She had always needed to know what was coming and to plan ahead and this was no different. The uncertainty of it all was hitting her really hard. 

Nik did his best to assure her that in terms of how much they would see each other it really wouldn’t be a lot different - perhaps it would even be better. He travelled a lot for work, he always had, but he made sure to come home as often as possible and that wouldn’t change. He promised when it was time for him to find a new place that he would take her along, Safina too if she was up to it, and they could help find a place they all loved. 

The pain was all over their faces, but a full, horrendous week later there was at least a glimmer of hope when it came to the two of them. It wasn’t going to be easy and it would take time and tribulation, but he was confident his relationship with his daughters would remain strong and he also felt good about them mending fences with Nukaka before too long as well. Kids were far more resilient than adults, he knew that for sure.

Things with his wife, or ex wife perhaps - he wasn’t really certain how long before he could switch to that term - were not any better, perhaps even worse than they were to start. When she came home and found out he’d already filed for divorce online she lost her mind. Thankfully she was really good about keeping it together when the girls were home, but when they weren’t it was either the silent treatment or constant ragging, arguing and fighting. 

Nik had cleared out the room they had used as an office essentially, and made it into a spare room for him for the time being. He assumed, correctly (yay for getting something right), that Nukaka wanted to keep the house. They didn’t have any sort of prenuptial arrangement so he knew she would be getting half of everything, though they would have a lot to discuss when the time came. He was going to lose a lot of money, but he really didn’t care. What mattered most to him was that his daughters were well taken care of and that Nukaka was able to continue living the life she’d enjoyed the entire time they’d been together. There would be more jobs in the future, and if he could get Ill Kippers off the ground it could become a decent source of income. He was very fortunate that money was the least of his worries. 

He found himself wishing pretty quickly that Nukaka had stayed in Greenland a little longer. It was good she was back for Safina and Filippa, but the constant state of turbulence between them was hard to bear. He was counting the minutes to when he would finally leave for London, not only because he couldn’t wait to see Gwen, but because he just needed some time away from the stress to take a breath and look toward the future. 

The day before he left Nik was able to convince Nukaka to do the online course that was required for them to take before their divorce could be finalized after the three month waiting period. It was actually quite informative and gave them some things to think about, particularly in dealing with the kids, but Nukaka was too bitter to see it as anything but another nail in the coffin of their marriage. He actually hoped she would watch it again sometime when she could pay attention to it without the bitter running commentary, half of which he couldn’t understand because she was speaking Greenlandic. He only knew from the tone, and the fact that she often switched to her native language when she was pissed at him. Nik had picked up a few words here and there, but she was much better at speaking it, particularly as of late, than he was. She had made a point of getting deeper immersed in her native culture the past couple of years, which Nik realized at this point was actually a blessing because she found great comfort in it. 

Nik made time to take Safina to a movie and to have dinner out with Filippa and her boyfriend. He told them both that he was going away for a few days but didn’t elaborate. They were so used to him being gone for work that they didn’t even blink an eye. He wanted to make sure they were comfortable with him leaving and they both seemed fine with it. He brought up the idea of looking for a new place when he got back and not surprisingly Safina was dead set against it and Filippa seemed excited. She promised she would work on her sister and hoped that by the time he got home the three of them would go together. 

The morning of his flight it already felt different to be leaving. He could see it on everyone’s face as he dropped his things by the door, ready to go. “I love you both and I’ll be back soon,” he told the girls, hugging them both, one at a time. He could see Safina was fighting back tears and surprisingly Filippa was too. “Are you okay? I can stay if you need me to,” he offered. It hurt his heart badly to think about having to break the news to Gwen, but his first responsibility was to his children and she would understand. 

“You’ll have to go eventually,” Safina sniffed. “It’s not going to get any easier if you wait longer. Harder probably.” 

Filippa nodded and agreed. “We’ll be okay. But promise you’ll call?” 

“You know I will, so often you’ll get annoyed and tell me to stop calling,” he teased. That got a smile out of one of them at least. He kissed them both on the forehead. “Love you, so much.” Nukaka hadn’t come to the door and it didn’t feel right to leave without saying something. “Can you give you mom and I a minute?” he asked. “I’ll call you tonight - I promise.” With one more quick hug they both went to their rooms. 

He walked into the kitchen where Nukaka was wearing her glasses, reading a book. He looked at her, the woman he’d been with for almost half his life and he actually felt a lot more emotion than he expected. He didn’t like that she hated him. He didn’t like that he had made her so sad and bitter. He didn’t like that she had taken the blame and he got off scott free with their kids. “So I’ll be back by the weekend, and uh, I’ll stay here, but I’ll be looking for a new place,” he muttered. 

It was hard to know what to say to her anymore. It was unbelievable that this person he could talk to for hours on end felt like a stranger. “Whatever,” she replied with a shrug, barely looking up from her book. 

Nik swallowed at the lump growing in his throat. He knew she would break down once he was gone but she was holding it together for her pride. He closed his eyes and shook his head. It might set her off, or it might not, but he couldn’t leave without saying what was on his mind. “Listen,” he began. “I know everything hurts right now, but you need to know that I’ll always love you. You’re the mother of my children and that will never change. I hope someday we can find a way to be friends again, because you’re important to me.” He watched her chew her bottom lip, the thing she always did when she was trying not to cry. “I also want you to know that this wasn’t your fault - this is my inability to cope with something that happened and it’s a circumstance of that.” He wanted to leave her with the sentiment that he didn’t blame her for their marriage ending, that he was blaming himself. 

Nukaka was silent, but she gave him a split second glance and then nodded. He took it as a good sign that she didn’t have anything cruel to say, although it might have just been a circumstance of her fighting off the tears. “Okay, well, uh, bye I guess,” he finished. Nik bent down and placed a kiss on her cheek. It was nothing more than a friendly peck, but he saw her face twist in agony and wished he could have taken it back. “I’m sorry,” he whispered, before turning and walking quickly out of the room. 

He knew he was being a complete coward, but if she broke down he wouldn’t have been able to leave without consoling her and that in itself would have been torture. He grabbed his things and he was gone. His heart ached the whole drive to the airport. Even though he’d be coming back to that house by the weekend, it wasn’t coming home anymore. That house was no longer his home. I’ll make a new home for the girls and I, he told himself, but he knew it would never be the same. This was the end of something - the end of a very long chapter in his life - and it hurt badly to turn the page. 

By the time the plane was in the air his mood was shifting. He had turned the page and when he finally saw Gwen it would be the start of a new chapter. It would be their chapter - finally - and he couldn’t wait to see what the universe had in store for their future. 

The flight seemed to take forever and the drive to the B&B felt way longer than he remembered. He checked in and picked up the keys for both rooms. He had booked Gwen the room right beside the one he stayed in the last time. He was serious about taking things slow and he wanted her to have her own space. He didn’t want her to feel like they were suddenly thrust together and that’s the way it would be from them on. He wanted some type of build, even if it was only a few days. He couldn’t imagine that they wouldn’t finally be together by the end of his visit, but if that ended up being the case he was okay with that too. Nik really wanted to make sure what him and Gwen were starting was new and unique. He didn’t want it to just be a shift from one relationship to another for them both. It had to be special - they both deserved that. 

He had texted Gwen on the drive and told her to meet him the same spot as last time - he would give her the key to her own room and explain all of that when she was finally there in person. She promised she would leave right away and he expected she should be there no more than half an hour after him. 

Nik flopped on the bed and resisted the urge to call and find out where she was. His mind and body were humming with anticipation. It felt like a million years since he’d seen her face, smelled her scent and heard her beautiful laugh in person. 

When the knock finally came it felt like everything was happening in slow motion. He got up from the bed and walked towards the door, his feet feeling like they were made of lead. He just couldn’t get there fast enough for his liking. The door opened and she was there, standing before him with her sparkly blue eyes and that magical smile. Nik reached for her things and set them down inside as she stepped in and shut the door. 

When he turned around she was there, coat off, lingering, silent, smiling, waiting for his move. “Hey,” Nik whispered, breaking the silence. He smiled back at her and his heart started to pound. 

“Get the fuck over here,” she replied, looking amused. She didn’t have to tell him twice. Nik took two steps forward and pulled her into his arms. He held her body, flush against his and tucked his face into her neck. He took in everything - the feel of her in his arms, the smell of her sweet shampoo, the sound of her breathing and his own heart beating wildly. His lips brushed her neck and he couldn’t resist opening his mouth and tasting her skin with a quick flick of his tongue. He closed his eyes and held her, he melted into her embrace - and for the first time in weeks he truly, honestly felt whole again.


	15. Chapter 15

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much to those who checked in and shared their stories. I’m glad to hear most are doing well so far in these trying times ❤️❤️ 
> 
> I’m not going to lie, I struggled with this chapter for some reason. So here’s a preemptive ‘sorry’ if it’s not one of my best 😕😕😕

It was an actual miracle that Nik was able to pull back from the kiss he’d initiated as he was holding her. Her lips were so soft and warm and the taste of her was addicting. What was even harder to give up was the way she made him feel - so relaxed and carefree. With his mouth on hers his mind was cleared of all that negativity, guilt, stress and darkness that had occupied it for far too long. A little reminder popped into his head about how he wanted to take it slow, and he knew if he let this one kiss go too far, with how thankful he was for how good it all felt - he wouldn’t be able to keep himself from taking her to bed. “Mmm,” he moaned, leaning his forehead against hers after managing to pull his lips away. “It’s so good to see you.” 

“You too,” she breathed, as she softly grazed her fingers over his jaw. It tickled a bit, but her touch also spread warmth through him. Nik knew in that very moment, that from then on, for the rest of his life, he was putty in her hands - one hundred percent her fool. 

He closed his eyes and took it all in, then reluctantly straightened up. “We can take your things to your room,” he said, pulling her key out of his pocket. 

Gwen raised her eyebrows as she hesitantly took the key from him. She had that amused look again. “You worried our mums will find out?” she teased. 

He had been expecting this and prepared for it. “Nah, I just wanted to spend more money on a second room since I’m getting used to just handing over a significant portion of my life’s savings.” She gave him a smile of pity mixed with appreciation of his ability to joke. Nik picked up her things and explained further as they slipped out the back door and moved from his room over to hers. They were literally side by side, sharing a wall. “This is my, perhaps somewhat pathetic, attempt at trying to take things a bit slow,” he explained. “We’re here for 4 days. I know that’s not a lot of time to take it slow,” Nik said with a chuckle. “But I also know if we stay in the same room I don’t think I would be able to leave the bed for 96 hours.” 

She was right behind him and she leaned over his shoulder to whisper in his ear. “Is that such a bad thing?” Gwen said seductively. 

He smiled. “Not bad, not at all. I just wanted to try to give us a hit of something normal,” Nik said as he let her pass and open the door for them. Her room was actually even nicer than his,but it was a bit smaller and didn’t have the sitting area that his did. He set her things down and they headed right back to his room. “Come sit,” he said, leading her to the couch. “You just broke up with Giles and I just left a 24 year marriage. I want to at least try to make this a little special for you and not just a shift from one man to another.” He felt like he was struggling to explain it and he wasn’t sure she understood. “This is a new beginning - for both of us. Even though it feels like it’s been going on for a while, the truth it, today is the first day of our new life together - the first day we can actually be together, without the guilt, or the potential judgement, or without -” 

“Hey, it’s okay,” she interrupted. Clearly he’d been starting to sound a bit desperate. “I understand and I agree. I just love teasing you - you know that.” He felt relief wash over him. “I think it’s really sweet what you want to do - whether it actually works or not.” 

“What does that mean?” he asked, narrowing his eyes at her implication. 

“I don’t know if you’re up to the challenge,” she said with a smirk. “You barely survived that kiss.” 

He pouted and glared at her - she wasn’t wrong. “Fine - challenge accepted. No sex until our last night here.” 

He could see her trying to hide a smile. “I can survive. I’ve waited this long for you - what’s a few more days?” 

Nik licked his lips and gave her his best smouldering look. “I don’t think you’re going to fare as well as you think,” he stated, in a low husky tone. There was no way he was letting her put it all on his shoulders when he knew she would have just as much trouble resisting him as he would her. 

Gwen just stared back at him and then reached out towards the table, where she produced the bottle of wine that had been chilling without even looking. “Wine?” she asked. That was it - the challenge was on now and he honestly wasn’t sure which one of them would give in first. 

“I would love some wine,” he replied with a smirk. She poured them both a glass and they settled on the couch. “Supper won’t be here until 7,” he informed her, which gave them almost 2 hours before it would arrive. 

“Lots of time to get caught up then,” Gwen said, taking a sip of wine, then looking very appreciative of his choice. “How were things when you left?” she asked. 

As much as he would have loved to just avoid talking about any of the bad stuff and ignore it all for a few days, Nik knew that it was best for his own mental health to talk it out - especially with Gwen because she was always great with advice, or just an incredible listener when he needed one. “Pretty much the same with Safina and Nukaka, of course,” he said. They had talked on the phone the night before so she already knew most of what was going on. “But I’m really starting to worry about Filippa. She’s managing too well and I think she’s just internalized everything.” He let out a worried sigh. “I don’t want to push too hard, but I don’t want to leave it either because I’m worried it will just eat away at her or it will build to the point it blows up.” 

“She sounds a lot like me,” Gwen replied, nodding her head as if she completely understood. “I learned a trick several years ago that’s really helped. I wish I had started doing it way sooner.” Nik listened curiously, hoping it was something that might help his daughter. “See if you can get her to start writing,” she suggested. “What I do is write down everything I’m holding inside. All the bad stuff that I would never actually tell anyone. I write down anything and everything that comes to mind. Sometimes it’s full sentences and paragraphs, other times it’s pages and pages of point form thoughts and feelings. It’s not something I ever go back and read again - it’s the things I just need to get out so they don’t stay locked inside and weigh me down. I have a book that I write in and once it’s full I burn it. It’s not something I would ever want anyone to find and read. It’s my therapy. And burning it after almost feels like a way to let all of it go. It’s out, I’ve released it and then it’s gone.” He loved the idea - it made so much sense, particularly for people like her and Filippa that weren’t always good at talking out their feelings, or simply letting go of things. 

“I’m going to suggest that to her when I call later tonight,” he said, feeling hopeful. “Thank you.” 

“I really hope it helps her,” Gwen said with a nod. “It works so well for me.” 

Nik filled her in on a bit more and then they moved on to discuss other things like how the divorce was coming along, and all the legal issues with the house and his assets. He would have to buy her out of Ill Kippers and she would have to buy his share of the house, which would all have to be done through their lawyers. He couldn’t believe how much there was to do, but he was really happy with his legal team and how quickly they were helping him sort it all out. 

After that they moved on to their relationship. They had talked about it a little, but they still had decisions to make. “I wish we didn’t have to hide,” Nik said with a sigh. 

“It’s good for everyone involved, you know I understand and I’m okay with it,” Gwen reassured him. They knew they needed to wait an appropriate amount of time because he had promised Nukaka he wouldn’t do anything that might make the girls suspicious and lead to more pain for them. Then there was also his career and Gwen’s. It was best for them both if there was nothing that would lead to suspicions they were having an affair. Even if it wasn’t true - once the rumors are out there, they’re hard to change. “My only concern is working together again so soon. You know people will make assumptions.” 

“It’ll be fine.” It was his turn to reassure her. “I’ll make sure my divorce comes out long before we start to make it public that we’re working together. If we play it right it will just look like we fell in love working on this project, after I was divorced.” 

“Okay,” she nodded. “Sneaking around might be fun for a while anyway,” she added, giving him a flirty look. 

“Sneaking around without the guilt of an affair - sounds pretty sexy to me,” he agreed with a nod. She slid a bit closer and he instinctively laid his hand on her thigh. She placed her hand on top and they continued to chat, playing with each other’s fingers as they did. Nik had no idea how long they had been talking. Time seemed to fly when they were lost in conversation. 

“We should dance,” Gwen said suddenly, as she stood up. 

“Uh, okay - like slow dance? Or you want to see me rock my dorky dad moves?” he asked with a grin. 

“Definitely slow dance - I’ve seen your moves,” she replied with a chuckle. “My phone is over in my room so we’re going to have to use your weird ass playlist and hope for the best.” 

“My playlist is not weird,” he said, faking being seriously wounded by the jest. He opened Apple Music and hit shuffle. “Oh fuck, that’s not helping my case is it?” he asked when the first song started playing. 

“Kenny Rogers? Really?” her eyes sparkled with amusement, but he noticed she sang along to the first line of The Gambler. “Didn’t think you liked that kind of music?” 

“Not usually, but come on - this is a classic,” he said before shifting to the next song, which was Take a Chance on Me by Abba. 

“Fuck, you are so weird,” she giggled. “That one’s too fast.” When he skipped again she immediately squealed from the first note of the song. “I love this song. Did you put it on there just for me?” 

“Actually no, I think Safina added it,” he said with a shrug, but she already wasn’t listening as she tugged him to the middle of the room. 

“I just want you close, where you can stay forever,” she sang, swaying their hands. “You can be sure that it will only get better.” Gwen met his eye and smiled. “You and me together, through the days and nights, I don’t worry ‘cause everything’s going to be alright. People keep talking, they can say what they like, but all I know is everything’s going to be alright.” She started to spin herself around, but he took over and finished the spin, then tugged her to his chest. 

The song was a little more uptempo than he was used to for a slow dance, but they swayed happily together to the beat as he listened to her sing. It was such a beautiful feeling, holding her like that, while she was blissfully lost in the moment. When it was over he picked up his phone again and flipped through a couple more songs until he heard Hello by Lionel Richie. “We should save that one for later,” Gwen said suggestively. He nodded and finally stopped on a song he knew she would love. He put the phone down and moved back to where she was standing. “I think you cheated and added songs you know I like,” she said softly as he pulled her back into his arms. 

“Or maybe my playlist just isn’t as horrible as you always assumed it was,” he whispered into her ear, letting his lips graze her jawline delicately, while Bryan Adams, a friend of Gwen’s, sang one of the most romantic love songs of all time. He was feeling a very slight wine buzz, that only made everything feel even better. A beautiful woman he loved deeply was in his arms, they were alone, dancing cheek to cheek to a sexy slow song - it was heaven. 

It didn’t take long before their lips found each other. Nik wasn’t sure if he’d initiated the kiss or if it was Gwen, but it felt too good to care or worry about it. Her arms lifted and twisted around his neck as she opened her mouth and he slipped his tongue inside. Kissing her was so easy. It felt natural, like they’d done it far more than a handful of times. They had the give and take down perfectly, just like the ebb and flow of their relationship and the way they teased each other. There was a little moment of dominance for him and then she would take over - back and forth, in the same sexy, comfortable, sparring manner they were accustomed to. 

Nik worked his hands lower and lower on her back, until they were fully on her ass. When he squeezed she moaned into his mouth, a deep, erotic sort of moan from the back of her throat, letting him know just how turned on she was. This was one of the moments he’d worried about - one of those moments where he wasn’t sure how much restraint or control he could muster. There was a fire burning in his groin as his dick started to grow rapidly. He couldn’t stop his body from reacting to her. She made him hard, and dizzy, and hungry for every delicious part of her. 

Suddenly her hand was between their bodies and Gwen started to rub his shaft, through his pants. There was no hiding his arousal, even if he wanted to. At that point though, he was happy to give her some space to work because every fiber of his body wanted her to keep going. “Fuck,” he moaned, closing his eyes. He felt the top button of his jeans pop, followed by his zipper and he sighed with pleasure at how good the little bit of extra room felt. 

She pushed his jeans down, just a bit, and the next thing he knew her hand was inside his underwear and her gentle touch was caressing him - skin on skin “Oh god,” he hissed, looking for something to hold on to. Within a matter of seconds he felt like he was going to come and the shock of that realization made his eyes fly open. “Gwen,” he gasped, trying to pull away from her perfect, slow strokes and her warm, soft grip. “I, oh fuck -” Before he could say another word there was a bang on the door and they both jumped back like they were teenagers and one of their parents walked in the room. 

“I have you supper here, Sir,” a polite voice called out from the hallway. 

Nik swallowed hard and looked at Gwen in horror as he tucked himself back into his jeans and did them up. “I’ll be right there,” he called out, trying to sound normal. “What the fuck am I going to do?” he whispered, gesturing to the massive bulge in the front of his jeans. 

She just shrugged at him and looked like she was ready to burst out laughing. “I’m going to go wash my hands for supper,” she whispered back. She took off for the bathroom and left him to figure things out all on his own. 

Nik ran his fingers through his hair and walked slowly towards the door, trying to adjust himself and press his huge boner into a less obvious position - but it was still horribly noticeable. As he got to the door he had an idea. He pulled it open, tucking himself half behind it as if he was trying to stay out of the way while they brought in the room service cart. “Thank you so much,” he said, smiling at the woman. 

“You’re so welcome. I brought some white wine to go with the meal, but I saw you had ordered red earlier. Will the white be okay? Or would you like me to switch that up?” she asked. 

“White is perfect,” he replied, staying put, half hidden behind the door, peeking around it, trying to act cool. 

“Okay then, I do hope you enjoy,” she replied, giving him a bit of a strange look as she walked back to the door, ready to leave. “If there’s anything you need -” 

“Thanks again,” he said, starting to close the door. She took the hint and moved into the hall with a wave. Nik closed the door all the way and leaned his forehead against it with a sigh. “You can come out now,” he called to her. 

When Gwen returned she took one look at him and fell onto the bed in a massive fit of laughter, cackling like a crazy person. Nik rolled his eyes, but he was smiling. This is what I get to deal with for the rest of my life, he thought, and he couldn’t have been happier about that.


	16. Chapter 16

It was still fairly early after dinner so Nik had an idea. “Why don’t you go put on your pyjamas and we can have a movie night while we finish the rest of this wine?” he suggested. 

“What do your pyjamas look like?” she asked, giving him a flirty smile. 

He stood up from the table and pulled off the hoodie he was wearing, then undid his jeans and took them off, followed by his socks. He held out his arms. “There - pyjamas,” he announced. 

She looked him up and down and gave a little nod. “Fair enough.” Gwen stood up and started to take off her shirt. 

“Wait. Hold on - what is happening here?” he asked. 

She stopped for a minute and looked at him. “I’m stripping down to my pyjamas, just like you,” she said, giving him an innocent look that was 100 percent fake. 

“Oh no way,” Nik shook his head. “I cannot sit beside you and watch a movie with you in nothing but a pair of sexy panties and most likely a see through shirt.” 

“How would you know if I’m wearing sexy panties?” she asked, pulling down the side of her pants to reveal a thin band of peach colored lace. 

“Call it a lucky guess,” he replied with a groan. Now he wanted to see the rest of them, even though he knew it was a bad idea. He used his better judgement and walked over to his bags. He rooted around for a moment and pulled out a black v-neck t-shirt and a pair of red boxer briefs. He carried them over to her and thrust out his hand. “Go put these on. They should cover enough of you to get me through a movie.” 

Gwen took the clothes and slung the t-shirt over her arm. She held up his underwear. “I don’t know - these are still going to show a lot of my legs.” 

“Well it’s better than seeing half your ass,” he muttered. 

“Is it really?” Gwen chuckled. 

“Well no, of course not,” he corrected himself. “I will be very happy to see not only half of your sexy ass, but the whole delicious thing - soon enough.” Gwen set the clothes on the chair beside her and once again started to get undressed. It was clear she was not going to make this easy for him in the least. He swore in Danish under his breath. “Could you at least change in the bathroom?” 

“Oh, whoops,” she said, in that same fake innocent voice. “Be right back.” 

While she was gone Nik turned on the TV and loaded Netflix so they could choose something to watch. When Gwen returned his shirt and underwear had never looked better. They were both baggy on her of course, but she was right about still showing a lot of leg. His eyes wandered from the bottom of the underwear, that still sat high on her thighs, all the way down her long, sexy legs, to her feet and the copper colored polish on her toes. “Uh, so, what do you want to watch?” he asked, directing his gaze away from her mile long legs and back to the TV. He felt the couch move as she sat beside him and tucked her legs under her. “Oh how about Marriage Story?” he suggested. 

“Are you serious?” she asked. 

“What?” He looked over at her. 

She was staring at him like he was insane. “Marriage story? Really? You want to watch a movie about a marriage falling apart right now?” 

“Oh, yeah - well it’s just a movie,” he said, trying to pretend he wasn’t a complete moron, even though he knew she was absolutely correct about it being a bad idea. “Uh, okay, what about The Irishman?” 

Gwen nodded. “Anything by Scorsese you know will be great,” she commented. Not that he disagreed, but it turned out she was right again. The movie was incredible. 

“How come I can’t get roles like that?” he said, as the credits appeared over three hours later, though it hadn’t felt that long at all. 

“Do you want a role like that?” Gwen asked. “Do you want all that attention? All those award shows? All the fans? The glitz? The glamour?” She basically listed all the reasons that he tended to shy away from any of the big name directors when he was looking for work. “You’re an incredible actor and I know you could land roles like that - but have you ever auditioned for someone like Scorsese? Spielberg? Tarantino?” She named three of the biggest directors in Hollywood. 

“Well no,” he said with a shrug. He really was coming off as a total dumbass the entire evening. “I was just saying that kind of movie is special and it would be nice to be a part of something like that,” he tried again to pull himself out of idiotville. “But you’re right - I wouldn’t want everything that comes with it. Thrones was bad enough for that.” 

“Would you want it? If you could? Would you audition for, like a Tarantino film, for example?” he asked. 

“Hell yeah,” she said with a nod. He’d been expecting that answer. She’d already been in a Star Wars movie and even though the role was small it was a huge deal for her. “You know I love being the center of attention,” she added with a laugh. 

Nik smiled at her. “You’re so good at it too,” he teased. “This project, with Ill Kippers - it’s not going to be anything huge like I know you’re craving. I mean, we’ll do our best, but we would have to get pretty lucky to get a shot at the big screen. It’s more likely we’ll get into a few film festivals and it’ll go right to streaming.” 

Gwen slid closer. “It doesn’t matter,” she said, putting her hand on his bare leg. Tingles started from the spot where she was touching him and spread through his entire body. “This project is special for so many reasons, mostly because we get to work together again. That alone is truly all I need.” She trailed her fingers up and down the top of his thigh. “But you never know - it might do better than either of us could imagine.” 

The sexual tension was rising by the second and as soon as their eyes met it exploded. Nik reached for her and their mouths met in a hungry kiss, as her body fell on top of him. It was a moment of such unbridled passion that somehow came out of nowhere. They had both gone for zero to 60 in a matter of seconds. 

Her hands, they were everywhere, touching his body, tangled in his hair, even touching herself sometimes, which was insanely sexy. He’d never had any doubt that the sex would be increbidble, but the vibe he was getting in that makeout session made he realize it wasn’t just going to be incredible, it would be truly mindblowing. 

His mouth was on her neck, and he kissed his way up towards her jaw, while she started to rock her hips and gyrate against him. It was his leg she was rubbing herself against, which was a blessing, because that same movement against his groin would have fucking killed him. It was bad enough trying to hold himself together just feeling her graze his erection once in a while. He was just as hard and even more turned on than he’d been earlier when their dinner arrived. His cock actually felt like it was throbbing and pulsing, desperate to be given the attention he was trying so hard to avoid. 

He stopped kissing her neck and looked up to see Gwen fondling her own breasts, through the t-shirt. He couldn’t resist reaching up underneath to take over for her, happy to find she’d removed her bra earlier, if she’d even been wearing one to begin with. He squeezed them, one in each hand and then rubbed his thumb over her nipples, enjoying the way they swelled and grew hard with his touch. Gwen moaned and he squirmed as the sound caused his body to ache for her just a little more. 

The squirming drew her attention and he felt her hand on his balls. His underwear made a barrier between their skin, but it didn’t do much to reduce the level of pleasure he was feeling as she gently groped his sack. His cock throbbed even more and the desire to fuck her was making him dizzy. He wanted to fill her up and feel her warm, wet pussy wrapped around his thick, hard shaft. Nik closed his eyes and dug deep, and somehow, by some miracle he was able to find his last shred of restraint. 

“Stop, we need to stop. Please, Gwen,” he begged, in a slightly frustrated tone. He wasn’t upset with her, just the fact that he knew he needed to end it, quickly. She sat up and looked at him, but he couldn’t quite read her expression. “If you really want this all you have to do is push a little harder,” he said honestly. “I would literally do anything for you and being together, making love, it’s what I want more than anything - but, no matter how ridiculous it seems, I really want to take this one day at a time and wait just a little longer.” He knew the matter of a few days wasn’t long, so did it really make much difference? For some reason it did to him. They didn’t have the luxury of living in the same city, and he didn’t know when he would see her again, so they had a short window of opportunity that he wanted to make the most of by taking it one step at a time. 

“It’s up to you though - it’s always up to you.” He was absolutely serious when he said he’d do anything for her. He would like to say anything within reason, but he wasn’t even sure that was true anymore. If she asked - he would give it all he had to make her happy, no matter what it took. 

She smiled at him and reached over to touch his face. “I’m going to go. But you need to be up and ready first thing in the morning. I have plans for us.” She untangled herself from him and stood up, then leaned over and gave him a soft kiss on the forehead. “8am, sharp. Be ready.” 

“Where are we going?” he asked, already curious about what she had planned. 

“Goodnight,” she replied with a coy smile, not answering him. 

Nik watched her gather her things and slip on her shoes, still wearing his clothes, and then walk to the door. “Night,” he finally said as she opened the door and left with a wave.


	17. Chapter 17

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I gave in during these crazy times and made twitter and insta accounts the other night. I’m already regretting it a bit because I’m way too sensitive about my work for social media 😂😂 but alas, for now I’m there if you want to follow me. It’s just LovingGwendolaj for both. Cheers 😘😘😘

“Oh good, you’re ready. Let’s go,” Gwen said, as soon as Nik opened the door the next morning. 

He grabbed his jacket and stepped outside. “You still haven’t told me where we’re going,” he said, stating the obvious.

“Oh that’s right,” she said sarcastically. “I completely forgot.” Nik rolled his eyes at her. “Well if you must know, we’re going house hunting,” she said, smiling brightly. Nik didn’t have to look in a mirror to know the color just drained from his face. “What’s wrong? You don’t seem excited,” her face fell with disappointment. 

“Gwen,” he said gently. “Don’t you think it’s a little too soon to take such a huge step?” 

“But you love me - and I love you - isn’t that all that matters?” she replied, looking extremely wounded. 

Nik took a deep breath. He didn’t want to hurt her, but this was insane. “I do love you,” he started. “But, buying a house together? There’s still so much I need to get through before I can wrap my mind around something like this -” His voice trailed off. She looked like she was going to cry. “Please don’t be upset. It doesn’t change anything between us.” What a disaster, Nik thought. 

Gwen turned away from him. Oh my God, is she crying? This can’t be happening. It was so out of character for her, but they had both been through so much, maybe it was all just getting to her. He reached out and gently touched her shoulder. “Hey, are you okay?” 

When she finally turned around he heard the best sound ever - she was laughing. Like really, laughing. “Oh my God, you’re such - a dumbass sometimes. I can’t - believe you fell for - that,” she gasped between fits of laughter. 

Relief flooded him so hard Nik started to laugh too. “Okay, you got me,” he admitted. He waited until her laughter started to die down. “So where are we really going?” 

“House hunting,” she replied, holding a straight face for about two seconds before the laughter burst through again. “No, seriously,” Gwen said. “We are going house hunting, but for me - not for us.” It was all starting to make sense. Her and Giles had lived together and she’d given up her flat a couple years earlier. She had no place to live - why hadn’t he thought of that? “I went and got all of my things and they’re in storage,” she explained. “But I’m going to need a place of my own.” 

“So where are we going?” he asked, as he climbed into her car.

“I have 5 places to look at, all of them out here in the country,” she replied. 

“Really? I thought you loved being in the city.” Nik was surprised. 

He watched her grip and release the steering wheel a couple of times. “I do, but it’s really grown on me, spending time at my mom’s place and feeling so free, away from the noise and business.” 

“And?” he prodded. He knew it was more than that. She’d always been a city girl, at least since he’d known her. 

“Well, when you come visit me -” her voice trailed off. “I just figured we could use some privacy for a while. If I buy a new place right in the city people will see you coming and going, it’s unavoidable. But out here,” she paused and smiled. “All of the homes I’m looking at today are completely private. I picked them for that reason. They’re also less than an hour from the city too.”

“You don’t have to do this for me,” Nik said softly. He didn’t want her to buy a place, somewhere she didn’t want to be, because they had to keep it low key for a while. “When I’m not here, you’ll be out in the country, alone - will you be okay with that?” 

“Would you stop?” she sighed. “I would not make this big of an investment if I wasn’t sure. I was serious when I said that it’s grown on me. I can make a trip into London easily, any time I want. And I’ll come home to a lovely, private house, with a big backyard, trees, fresh air. I can get a pet to keep me company,” she added with a laugh. 

“Please don’t get a cat,” Nik groaned. “I hate cats.” 

“I think I’ll get a cat,” she announced, giving him an evil smirk. “Maybe two. They should have a friend.” 

He ignored her. Most likely she was just trying to push his buttons, but if she wasn’t and she actually wanted cats - it wasn’t his choice anyway. He would have to deal with the annoying little furballs. “So, how are you going to explain me being with you today to the real estate agent?” he asked. 

“Why do you underestimate me?” Gwen sighed dramatically. “I had my publicist set up everything. All the homes will have lock boxes and I have the codes for today. We can let ourselves in, look around, lock up when we leave. Two of the homes are currently empty and the other three will be vacant until at least 3pm.” 

Nik leaned towards her and gave her a lovesick smile, “You’re amazing.” 

“I know,” Gwen replied, glancing over at him briefly. “You’re so lucky to have me.” 

“I am,” he agreed, speaking truthfully, even though she was teasing. 

Gwen made a left and they headed down a narrow two lane road. “The first place actually isn’t far.” A couple minutes later they turned down a long driveway and pulled up to a really pretty, modern looking home. 

They spent about 45 minutes touring the house and then locked up and got back in the car. “There were a lot of things I liked in there, but who builds a new home without an en suite bathroom?” Gwen remarked. “And those closets were way too small for all my clothes -”

“And your shoes,” Nik added. 

They toured around the countryside and hit 3 more houses. They all had something ‘wrong’ but more good things than bad. Other than the first one they checked out, the other 3 were certainly viable options. Nik was partial to the second home, with a big wrap around deck, pool, and huge backyard. Obviously the choice was hers, but that’s the one he would push her towards if she wanted his opinion. 

The last home was gated at the front. They pulled up and Gwen entered the code she’d been given. It was a bit strange to see a single home gated in that way, normally it was more common in a community or set of villas, but he liked the security it would provide knowing she would be on her own when he wasn’t visiting. It was one check on the positives side already. 

“You hungry?” Gwen asked, as they pulled up to the front of the home. It was a beautiful house, but what caught his attention even more was the sheer size of the property and the wooded area in behind, similar to the cottage her mom owned. 

Her question hadn’t even registered because he was too awestruck by the beautiful landscape. “How many acres?” he asked, getting out of the car. 

“I knew right away that you’d love this place,” Gwen chuckled. “7 and a half,” she replied. “This one is really pushing the limit of whether I can afford it or not, but assuming I get back to work soon and make some money,” she gave him a look. “It should be manageable.” She stood beside him and they took it all in. “Seriously though, are you hungry?” 

“I’m always hungry,” he replied. “You know that.” 

“Good, come on.” She led the way around the side of the house and started walking towards a gazebo set on the back of the property. It was all so private. No neighbors. Little traffic. No one to see them for miles. 

“Where are we going?” he asked, even though it was quite clear they were headed to the gazebo. 

“I knew by the time we got to the last showing we would need something to eat. This is one of the vacant homes and they said we were welcome to stay as long as we wanted and explore the property - so I had my publicist drop off a cooler with lunch and some drinks, and leave it in the gazebo for us,” she explained. 

“Wow, I had no idea you were such a romantic,” he teased her. 

“I’m not,” she scoffed. “I’m just starving, that’s all.” 

There was a blanket set up on the floor and a cooler off to the side. They sat down and Gwen started pulling out food. It was an incredible spread and everything was delicious. He didn’t realize just how hungry he was until he started to eat. Once they were both finished and packed everything back into the cooler, they say back down on the blanket and looked at one another. Suddenly he was absolutely starving - in a different way. 

Nik got up onto his knees and crawled towards Gwen, forcing her to lay on her back. “What’s happening here?” she asked, with a relaxed smile. 

His body was already responding to the plan in his mind. His groin was aching and he felt a fire burning inside him. Nik popped the button on her pants and slid the zipper down. “Dessert,” he replied, licking his lips seductively. 

“What happened to taking it slow?” she asked, raising her eyebrows, as she lifted her hands behind her head and made herself comfortable. 

“We aren’t having sex,” he said with a shrug. “Oral doesn’t count since you can’t get pregnant,” he joked. 

“Oh, so anal is an option than?” There was a wicked grin on her face and Nik honestly didn’t know if she was joking or serious, but he couldn’t wait to find out sometime soon. 

“Don’t tempt me,” he replied, making sure she knew it was something he was absolutely open to. He started to tug down her pants, revealing another pair of sexy, silky panties, red this time. He pulled them all the way off and then reached between her legs, rubbing her lightly through the material. Gwen moaned and squeezed her thighs together, then released them with another sigh. 

Nik slipped a finger inside her panties, moving them off to the side so he could push it inside her. He could feel her juices on his finger and it was his turn to squirm. He probed deeper and Gwen lifted her hips with a moan. He added a second finger and pushed deep again, watching her face as he did. Her eyes were closed, with a tiny, aroused smile on her lips. It was so sexy he could barely stand it. He moved in and out with slow strokes and enjoyed the way her mouth gaped slightly when she gasped and moaned. 

Finally, he couldn’t take it anymore, he needed that dessert. He needed to taste her. He pulled his fingers out and put them right into his mouth, sucking every last drop of her flavor off of them. That only made him wild for even more, so he tugged hard on the sides of her panties, yanking them off desperately. 

Before he could get any further he felt her hand on his chest. “Hey, I really don’t want to stop you,” Gwen said gently, squirming to prove her point. “But are you sure?” He met her eye and nodded, then looked down just as she let her thighs fall open, spread wide, just for him. His heart started to race as his eyes washed over her. This is still taking it slow, he told himself, whether it was true or not he didn’t care anymore because nothing could stop him from burying his face between her legs. He ducked his head with a feral growl and the second they made contact with her pussy - his lips and tongue went straight to heaven.


	18. Chapter 18

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks to everyone who has been so kind on Twitter and Insta. You guys are awesome ❤️❤️❤️

Nik had barely got started when an irritating, but familiar sound caught his attention. He lifted his head immediately. “Is that a fucking drone?” he hissed, trying to look out of the gazebo to identify the source. 

“Oh shit,” Gwen gasped. He looked down to see her scrambling with her pants. “Fuck.” She gave him a shove. “What time is it? Help me get the cooler. We have to go.” 

“2:30,” he replied after a quick glance at his watch. “What’s going on?”

“I completely forgot,” she muttered, sounding panicked. “Just hurry, I’ll explain in the car.” They packed up everything as quickly as possible, then they each took a side of the cooler and ran across the lawn, towards the car. 

“We didn’t even get to see the house yet,” Nik commented, as they jogged. He looked up and saw there was indeed a drone circling the property. He almost tripped, but managed to catch himself. “Sorry,” he mumbled, as Gwen gave him a glare. They threw the cooler in the back seat, jumped into the car and she sped out of the driveway. “What the hell is going on?” he asked. 

When they were far enough away from the house she pulled over to the side of the road and put the car in park. She was still trying to catch her breath from the panicked run, but eventually she spoke. “They called in a company to take aerial photos of the property for the listing,” she explained. “They were supposed to be there at 3, but I guess they showed up early.” 

Nik stared at her. “And you never thought to mention that we had a time limit on our little picnic?” 

“Well, the owner did say we could stay as long as we wanted, I guess the drone part slipped my mind,” she said sweetly. 

“Wouldn’t that be great if their listing had bonus content of me going down on you in the gazebo,” he said, smirking at her. 

She cackled in response. “Could give the site a few more hits.” She glanced over at him. “Maybe it was a sign that we should have waited like you wanted.” 

“Or maybe the universe was trying to punish me for waiting this long, by making me wait even longer,” he moaned. Nik honestly didn’t know what the damn universe was trying to tell him, but he did know that his dick wasn’t going to survive the torture much longer. She understood his original intentions and why he’d been holding back, or trying to at least, and he knew she would also understand if he were to completely fail with his plan. 

“We could always find a deserted side road and finish up in the back seat,” Gwen said, running her tongue over her teeth seductively. She pulled back onto the road and started to drive. 

Nik groaned. “We can’t,” he sighed. “The next time we get started I’m not stopping, for nothing.” 

“So our first time together is in the backseat of a car,” she shrugged. “Makes for a good story at least.” 

He immediately felt guilty, because his concern at that point hadn’t been the when or the where, but something completely different. Of course she deserved better than a quickie in the backseat - if they could even fit back there anyway. He couldn’t resist glancing over his shoulder to see if the logistics would work, even though he knew it wasn’t going to happen. “I didn’t bring condoms with me, did you?” He thought for a moment. “In fact, I actually don’t have any at all.” He was disappointed in himself for not following through on his planning. He had meant to figure out some way to get a few, but then just figured Gwen would have some anyway. 

“Not even back at the B&B?” she asked. He shook his head. “Well I don’t have any either. Unless we go start digging through my storage unit.” 

“We suck,” he sighed. 

“Well I assumed you would have some,” she said, trying to pass the buck. 

“I’ve been married forever. I haven’t used condoms in years,” he replied, rolling his eyes. “Nukaka had some issues a while back and she had a hysterectomy. Didn’t need rubbers after that,” he explained. “Besides, I figured you, being the responsible person you are, would have some.” He was pleased with himself for shifting it back on her. This was such a typical conversational style for them, passing the blame off on each other, though it had certainly never been about condoms before.

“I do. I just didn’t actually bring any with me. I mean, how presumptuous would that have been?” she teased. 

“Oh yeah, totally why I don’t have any either,” he drawled. “I didn’t want you to think I was expecting us to have sex during our 4 days alone before God knows how long apart,” he drawled. 

Gwen shrugged, “Well you’re the one who got us separate rooms, not me.” 

“I’m really regretting that decision right now,” he said, tapping his fingers on the side of the car door. 

She actually softened for a moment. “Don’t be,” Gwen said. “As unsuccessful as I expected it would be, I appreciated what you were trying to do. It was sweet and romantic, in a sexually frustrated and masochistic sort of way.” He gave her a look. “Honestly, I get it and if you want to keep trying -” 

“Nope,” he interjected. “It’s the thought that counts, right?” 

Gwen laughed. “Exactly. So I guess that means we need to make a pit stop on the way home, huh?” 

“Definitely. But wait, you’re not going back to look at the house once the drone is gone?” he asked. 

“Full disclosure?” she said, looking guilty about something. “I’ve actually already been to that one. I just wanted to give you the chance to see it too. It’s my number one choice, I just need to convince myself that I can afford it.” 

“Can you?” he asked. He didn’t want to push too hard, but even without being inside he was already sold because of the size of the property and the security - other than fucking drones. 

“I may have to cash in some investments and take a hit with the penalties, but yeah, I can afford it,” she nodded. 

“Are you absolutely sure you want to be in the country?” He had to check one more time. She just gave him a look that told him to shut up about it. “Then go for it. Put in an offer.” 

Gwen tossed him her phone. “Go to the text that says Sherry Real Estate and text her ‘Proceed with the offer we discussed,’” she told him. Nik smiled. She was always one step ahead on everything. 

He did as she told him and waited for the reply. “She said she’ll get back to you as soon as she hears something,” he said after reading the instant response. “Kind of sucks for them that they hired someone to take aerial photos and the house might sell before they even get them,” he chuckled. 

“Okay, now we find a store to make that purchase and head back to the B&B to kill some time while we wait,” she teased. About 20 minutes later she pulled up to a petrol station with a large store attached. “They should have some here.” She put the car in park and looked at him. Nik didn’t move. “Well, what are you waiting for? Go get some.” 

“Uh, no,” he said, shaking his head. “They’ll know who I am and what if they tell people? People Magazine headline - Nikolaj Coster-Waldau stocks up on condoms at a gas station outside London.” 

“They will know who I am too. Same headline, different name,” she shrugged. “If anything, I’m more recognizable because I’m so tall.” 

They stared at each other for a moment. “I guess we flip for it,” he said, picking up a coin from the console. 

She raised her eyebrows. “Or we make a deal,” she said, giving him a flirty look. 

“I’m listening,” he replied. 

“You get the condoms and I’ll let you drive back -” She paused for dramatic effect. “While I suck you off.” 

“That’s not fair,” Nik groaned. “How can I say no to that?” He pouted and grumbled for a moment. 

“I have an idea. Put your hood up and put these on,” she passed him over a pair of massive, feminine, designer sunglasses. 

“Oh like that won’t attract even more attention to me. They’ll think they’re about to get robbed by a rich, hansome, gay man,” he scoffed. “It’s fine. I’m going.” 

When he returned to the car a few minutes later Gwen had switched to the passenger side, so he got into the driver’s seat and tossed a full plastic bag over into her lap. “What’s all this?” she asked, as if she didn’t know. 

“Snacks,” he replied, ignoring the knowing smile on her face. 

“You bought all this extra stuff to distract from the condoms, didn’t you?” she asked. 

“Nope, I thought we might want some afterglow snacks,” he lied. He put the car in drive and pulled out onto the road. There wasn’t a lot of traffic, but it wasn’t deserted by any means. Gwen’s car had some window tint, so no one could really see in the side windows, but if a higher vehicle were to pass there would be a chance they could see in. He’d ascertained all that information, but the second her hand reached over and cupped his package he forgot to care about who might see. 

Nik groaned and shifted as she started to rub him lightly. She quickly undid his pants and then worked her hand inside his underwear. He groaned again when her soft, warm hands made contact with his cock. If her touch felt that good he couldn't even imagine what it was going to feel like to have his dick inside her mouth. Just the thought made him ache as he quickly grew hard. 

It was getting more and more difficult to focus on the road as he became fully aroused. He swerved and righted himself when she started to push down his underwear. He had to lift his hips a bit off the seat, as much as he could with the seat belt in the way. He pulled it up a bit higher and tightened in back down to keep it out of the way. 

“You know you don’t have to do this,” Nik said. Never had he wanted to punch himself in the face more than he did in that moment, but he really didn’t want to make her feel obligated to follow through. One of them had to get the condoms, so she shouldn’t be punished in any way because he took one for the team. 

“Oh, okay, well in that case, I’ll just put my seat belt back on,” she said, as his heart sank instantly. She giggled. “I’m kidding. I actually don’t mind at all. I’ve been thinking about doing this for a long, long time.” The emotional whiplash she just gave him was ridiculous. 

Before he could say another word she leaned over and licked the tip of his cock. “Oh fuck,” he moaned, almost swerving again. She swirled her tongue around his knob and then took just the tip inside her mouth and sucked very gently. Nik was already gripping the steering wheel, holding his breath, and she had just got started. 

When she took him all the way to the back of her throat the first time Nik could barely keep his eyes open. “I can’t do this,” he muttered. He took a turn to the left on the next road, drove far enough that he couldn’t see the main road in the rearview and pulled over. Gwen didn’t miss a beat at all, she just kept focused on the task at hand, much to his benefit. 

He reached over and put the seat back a bit, giving her more room to work and himself a chance to close his eyes and relax, while enjoying every second of it. It had been a really, really long time since he’d been sucked off. He actually couldn’t even remember the last time. He honestly didn’t know much of anything right then, other than the fact that Gwen was very good at what she was doing.

She bobbed up and down a few times and Nik groaned with pleasure. His groin was aching and burning with desire and his entire body felt tingly. She alternated between slow and deep, and quick and shallow, taking the time to use her tongue at all the right moments. She sucked hard and he felt his cock throb inside her mouth, but at the same time she cupped his balls and massaged his sack gently. “Jesus,” he gasped, lifting his hips just slightly to push his shaft even deeper into her throat. Somehow she didn’t gag, she just took all of him. 

Nik opened his eyes and looked down at her blonde tresses bouncing as she worked. He touched her head, softly stroking her hair. He could already feel his balls tightening and he knew he was almost there. “I’m going to come,” he moaned, giving her warning. Gwen didn’t change a thing, she continued to take him deep and play with him as his nuts drew up, preparing for release. 

Finally he grunted and his orgasm took over his body. He ejaculated into her mouth, which made it even more erotic. The feeling of utter relaxation and euphoria that followed was incredible. All that pent up tension was gone and it was nothing but pure bliss. There was always that moment of sadness as the orgasm faded off quickly, but it was all too amazing to feel sad for long. “That was fucking sensational,” he said, as Gwen released him slowly. 

“It was also - uh - quick,” she commented with a smile, after lifting her head and settling back in her seat. 

“I guess you’re just that good,” he replied, glancing over at her with a grin. With anyone else he might have been embarrassed about the fact he just came faster than a teenage virgin getting his first blow job, but with her it was just something else to banter over. 

Gwen snickered and then gave his arm a playful shove. “Just drive, would you? We have other things to get to.” She didn’t have to ask him twice. Nik got back on the road and sped off towards their B&B.


	19. Chapter 19

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy Easter ❤️❤️

When they were inside his room Nik put the bag down on the table. He pulled out the pack of condoms and a candy bar, and held them up. “So, which would you like first?” 

Gwen slipped off her jacket and tossed it onto a chair. “You’re asking a woman to choose between chocolate and sex?” 

“You don’t have to pick one or the other, just prioritize,” he said, as he slowly licked his lips. 

She walked over and grabbed the chocolate out of his hand. She eyed it for a moment and then looked up at him as she placed it on the table. “You must know me by now - it’s always sex first, chocolate after, or during - during can be fun too.” She grabbed the front of his pants, with her hand inside the waistband, and yanked him to her roughly. “I’ve waited a really long time for this,” she whispered seductively, as she moved towards his lips. 

The kiss was explosive, fueled by the desire they’d been holding back for so long, but also the knowledge that the time had finally come. The floodgates were open and everything was finally coming out this time - all the passion, yearning, ache, love, hunger - everything. “I can’t believe this is really happening,” he gasped, breathless once she finally released him. 

“Need me to spank your ass to prove it’s real?” she laughed. 

Nik winked at her, “Maybe a little later.” He opened the box in his hand, took one out and set it on the nightstand beside the bed, ready for when they needed it. 

“That’s so cute that you assume we’re going to have sex in the bed,” Gwen said, with a really naughty look on her face. 

He gave her a look. “Want me to spread them out all over the room just in case?” 

She started to take off her shirt. “How about you just get your clothes off so I can finally properly see every inch of you,” she suggested. 

Without hesitation he took off his shirt and dropped his pants, while she did the same. But when Gwen went to undo her bra he stopped her. “Let me,” he whispered, as he traced his finger along the edge of the lace, up and down over the swell of each of her breasts. He wanted to take the time to properly anticipate seeing all of her body. He wanted to reveal each part like he was slowly opening a present and savour every second. 

He walked around behind her and undid the clasp, leaving a kiss in the center of her back. Then he kissed her neck on one side, sucking lightly until she moaned, before gently kissing the top of her shoulder as he released the first strap. He did the same thing on the other side, then gave the final push that allowed the material to slide off her body and drop to the floor. 

Nil kicked it away as he moved to the front of her again. If he thought it might take a while for him to get fully aroused, boy was he wrong. One look at her perky tits made of such delicate, creamy white skin, and he doubled in size in no time. As soon as he bent his head to suck a nipple his cock started to throb. 

Still, he managed to take his time and give her body the attention it deserved. Gwen was patient with him and her loud moans were very encouraging. 

When he felt he thoroughly enjoyed her breasts he sank to his knees, kissing her belly on his way down. He nipped at the waistband of her panties on both hips and then in the middle, before he finally tugged them down so she could step out. 

He had been so close before, but now there were no distractions to stop him. He stood up, led her to the bed and eased her onto her back. “How convenient, here we are on the bed,” he joked. 

“For now,” she teased back. She could never let him win and he loved it. 

Nik put one knee on the bed and she gave him a look. “What?” 

“Lose the underwear,” she said. “I want the full picture. I’ve had bits and pieces for too long.” It was true. She had seen him mostly naked at work. And obviously she’s just seen his dick in the car, but she had never seen all of him. 

He shrugged and pushed them down, maneuvering around his erection, then stood up. She nodded in approval, with a sly smile on her lips. She made a hand gesture for him to turn around, so he did. He flexed his ass muscles and made a dorky muscle man pose, while glancing at her over his shoulder. 

Gwen pounced and before he had a chance to move she smacked his ass cheek - hard. He yelped at the sting her hand left on his skin. “You know you’re getting paid back for that, right?” He warned. 

“Oh I’m counting on it,” she drawled, as she moved backwards, crawling up onto the bed again. 

It was his turn to pounce on her and in no time he had her flipped onto her stomach, pinned to the bed. Her sweet, round ass was so fucking delicious all he could do was stare at it and salivate for a minute. Instead of smacking her rump back like he planned, he grabbed it with both hands and kneaded gently. Her flesh felt good in his hands, so soft, yet supple. 

As he continued to massage her ass Gwen lifted her hips higher and higher off the bed, exposing her pussy for him to get a good look. Nik growled and dove in face first. He licked, sucked, and probed her with his tongue, wildly, with no inhibitions. He craved the taste of her and wanted more. 

Nik flipped her onto her back and spread her legs, then dove back in again. Gwen moaned and grabbed his head, pulling him closer, urging him deeper, begging for more. She started to rock her hips, grinding against his face, wanting it as bad as he wanted to give it to her. She was a wild, little minx, just like he knew she would be. The things they would do - he couldn’t even begin to imagine. 

Suddenly she stopped him. “I want -” she gasped, tugging his head. “I want to come with you inside me,” she finished. 

He understood and sat up on his knees, reaching for the condom. It had been a really long time since he’d put one on, but he had it open and rolled on in a matter of seconds, ready to go. He lined up and rubbed the tip over her a few times, before penetrating her, just slightly. As much as he would have rather been fucking her without the rubber, he was actually a bit thankful for the slight reduction of sensation, because he was going to have enough trouble lasting as it was. Her warmth enveloped him as he sunk deep inside her and the tight, wet, slippery feel was almost too much. 

He realized quickly that if she hadn’t already got him off just over an hour earlier, he wouldn’t have lasted more than a few strokes. All the pent up desire between them, those moments they had been so close - it all led to this - this breathtaking, earth shattering moment of utter bliss. It wasn’t just that it felt so good, fuck did it feel good, but the fact that it was her. It was Gwen, the woman he loved with his entire heart and soul. She wasn’t just his best friend anymore, now they were connected on another level and nothing could change that. 

They were loud. Both of them together. The sounds were that of such lust and longing - unmistakable to anyone who might happen to hear them. The moans with each thrust, the panting, the gasps and whimpers - it was all so much more than he could have imagined it would be. He was making her groan and writhe with pleasure beneath him - he was. Not some other lucky man - that lucky man was now him. And if he has his way it would only be him, forever. 

The greatest moment of his life arrived when he felt her nails start to dig into his skin. Suddenly she was silent, for the first time since he plunged into her heat. It was like time stopped for a moment, and then - the detonation occurred as she gasped, a high pitched cry from somewhere deep inside and her body finally met its release point. 

He was barely able to keep moving, struck by the desire to just watch her enjoy the dizzying fall. But somehow he kept moving in and out, feeling the increase of lubrication that flooded her core when she came. 

Her vagina was pulsing, clenching his cock - he was so close - when the most unwelcome interruption occurred - the phone rang. His cell phone. It was over on the table. “Don’t even think about it,” she warned, gasping with pleasure as he pounded deep into her throbbing pussy. 

“Not a chance,” he replied. He was right on the edge, nothing was going to stop him from finishing. He ignored the ringing and focused on the task at hand. “Fuck,” he grunted, feeling the first sign of going over the peak. Nik closed his eyes just as everything exploded, making his entire body jerk and shudder, as a pleasant feeling of warmth followed and relaxed him from head to toe with a euphoric, happy feeling. 

He opened his eyes and looked down at her, with a satisfied smile, then bent to kiss her. She touched his face afterwards and smiled back. He pushed into her one more time, before pulling out, while holding the condom in place, and rolling off to the side. He wanted to just pull her close and hold her, but he needed to dispose of the rubber first, so he quickly got up, took it off and headed for the trash. On the way back he grabbed his phone off the table to see who called. 

Nik stopped at the edge of the bed when he saw who the missed call was from. He sighed and gave Gwen a look. “It was my wife - uh, ex-wife,” he muttered. Might as well get used to calling her ex because that’s what she was now. “She didn’t leave a message -” He was pondering whether to call her back or not. He looked at Gwen, then looked at his phone, then he looked back at Gwen, set the phone down and once again, like he would for the rest of his life, he chose her.


	20. Chapter 20

“Are you going to call her back?” Gwen asked, after they had laid there in each other’s arms for quite some time. He had been expecting her to ask that very question, and after that much time passed he figured he was wrong. “You should call her, maybe something is wrong.” 

Nik shook his head. “If it was something important she would have left a message, texted me afterwards or tried to call back. I’m sure it was something trivial.” He was actually a bit annoyed the more he thought about it. While he hadn’t explicitly said he was going to be with Gwen, Nukaka knew that’s exactly where he was, she had to know. Yet she still chose to call and interrupt him for nothing. Or something that surely could have waited. 

“Aren’t you curious though?” Gwen continued. “I won’t be offended, if that’s what you’re worried about. Especially since I’m the one doing the encouraging.” 

“It’s not that,” he sighed. “I just - well - it feels controlling in a way. She calls, I immediately call back like I always have - she’s going to expect that and that’s not the way it’s going to be anymore.” 

“I can’t believe I’m saying this,” Gwen started. “But you might want to cut her a little slack, at least right now. She’s probably feeling really lost without you. You were married a long time. You’ll feel it too once in a while, and it’s okay. You don’t have to hide it from me. I get it.” 

Things with Gwen were all too new and exciting for him to feel what she was talking about just yet, but her point about Nukaka was a good one, even if he still really didn’t want to call her. “But I don’t want her to continue to rely on me for things,” he protested. “She needs to learn to do things by herself.” 

“She will,” Gwen nodded. “Women are extremely resilient, trust me.” She sat up and leaned over his body, reaching for his phone. Her breasts dangled, grazing his chest and he took a peek at her bare ass. Making love to Gwen was incredible and he couldn’t wait to do it again. “Call her,” she said, placing the phone on his chest, right where her breasts had just been. 

“I don’t want to,” he pouted. She gave him a look, picked up the phone, tapped the screen a few times and handed it back. Fuck. It was already dialing. He had no choice. “You’ll pay for this,” he whispered, glaring at her. 

“Oh Nikolaj, Hello,” Nukaka answered. “I didn’t think you were going to call back.” 

She sounded sad, depressed even. Another reason he didn’t want to call because he was already feeling guilt about it. “Hey. Is something wrong?” he asked, even though he knew already it wasn’t. 

“Yeah, yeah, everything is fine,” she shifted into Danish. “I was just thinking about the trash and I couldn’t remember what day you normally take it out. I uh, I didn’t mean to call you. It was just second nature, I was dialing before I realized what I was doing.” 

As ridiculous as it sounded he actually understood. She called him about seemingly trivial things all the time, things she could easily just look up on the internet from her phone. It never really bothered him because he usually knew the answer, then they would chat for a few minutes and that was that. At least she was being honest with him about the phone call. “It goes out on Tuesday,” he told her, speaking in English still because he wanted Gwen to understand what he was saying. She knew he normally talked to his family in Danish, so it wouldn’t have been surprising really if he shifted over, so perhaps it was more a reminder to Nukaka that he wasn’t alone. 

“Yeah, I looked it up once I hung up. Sorry again,” she apologized. “How are you doing?” she continued. 

Oh now we’re making small talk, he thought, rolling his eyes. He honestly didn’t know why he was finding her so annoying or why he couldn’t find more compassion right then. “I’m fine,” he replied, not bothering to reciprocate the question. “Is there anything else?” He didn’t mean to sound that impatient, but one glance in Gwen’s direction and he wanted off the phone as quickly as possible. Just knowing she was naked, barely covered with the sheet. He could see one of her breasts and most of her left leg. 

“Sorry. No. Sorry. I’ll let you go. Sorry,” she stammered nervously. 

Nik took a deep breath to calm himself, in more than one area. “It’s okay, really. No big deal,” he said, attempting at least a half hearted effort to make her feel better. “Have a good night,” he finished. 

“Oh yes, you too. Bye,” she replied. 

“Bye,” Nik said, hanging up quickly. He put the phone back and then gave Gwen and ‘I told you so’ look. “She forgot what day to put the garbage out.” 

She bit her lip, trying not to laugh. “Okay, so you were right this time,” she said, continuing to bite her lip. “I don’t want to laugh. It’s mean - I don’t want to be that person -” 

“You can laugh,” he said, with a smile. “It was ridiculous - and sad. I know you’re not that person anyway, or you never would have forced me to call her.” Before Gwen had a chance to let the laugh out he rolled over and kissed her. The laugh was long forgotten as she responded to his kiss immediately. 

She broke the kiss and shoved him onto his back, then slipped a leg over him and straddled him. She put her hands on his chest for leverage and rubbed her pussy all over his junk, lightly in gentle motions like she was riding him. He didn’t stay soft for long and pretty soon she was rubbing her clit on his throbbing shaft, her head back, moaning as she got herself off. He reached up and grabbed her breast, then started to toy with her nipples, as the moaning increased. It was so sexy listening to her and watching her face as she essentially used his body to masturbate. She leaned back a little more and started to grind a little faster, a little harder. Is she actually going to come? He wondered. He wanted it, he wanted to watch it happen like this. Come on baby, he thought, lifting his hips a little, hoping he was helping. 

“Oh God,” she moaned, bearing down on him even more. He pinched her nipples, hard, and she gasped and then cried out as her body shuddered and she fell against his chest. Nik held her and stroked her back gently as she came, trying to ignore the burning ache in his own groin and the desire to be inside her. 

“You’re so sexy,” he whispered in her ear, gently tucking back her hair. 

Gwen popped up and slipped off of him. “You haven’t seen anything yet,” she said. He watched her sexy ass as she walked over to the box of condoms, pulled one out, and brought it back to bed. She opened it and reached for him. His cock was throbbing in her hand as she rolled it on. He was almost bursting with anticipation, when she climbed back on top of him and sunk down his shaft with a happy sigh. 

There was a long pause before she started to move, while they both just enjoyed the feel of being united. Once she did start to fuck him though, she blew his mind. She rode him hard and fast, she changed positions for different angles, and she did this hip swivel thing that was so erotic it made him feel dizzy. She knew how to fuck that was for sure. 

When she pushed him over the edge it was just as explosive as the first time, maybe even more. He gripped her hips as he came, hoping it would last forever because it felt so fucking good. She stayed on top of him the whole time, stroking his chest, murmuring something soothing he couldn’t quite make out. 

When she finally slipped off of him his body felt instantly cold and he shivered. “Come on, get dressed,” Nik said, climbing out of bed. “I want to hear all about your ideas for our new project and I can’t focus with your tits staring at me.” 

“As much as I would love to just say that’s your problem and stay naked, I’m really excited to tell you about my ideas and get your input,” she replied. “So I guesssssss I’ll get dressed,” she finished dramatically. “If you actually completely hate it can you fake it?” she asked. 

“I won’t hate it,” he said, pulling on his pants. “But even if I do, it doesn’t matter - this is your project and I promised I would support it.” 

“Even if I were to make you play a drag queen with a penchant for circle jerks?” she asked, with a sparkle in her eye. 

“Well, you said I was going to be your leading man, so unless I’m a bisexual drag queen with a sordid secret life, that’s not happening,” he laughed. 

“Maybe my character is a sex addict who enjoys being a voyear from time to time,” she replied, finally covering those perky tits. 

“I’m intrigued,” he said, plopping down on the couch. “I know this isn’t the real plot, but it might be something we should keep on the table for later.” He patted the couch beside him. “Come on, I want to hear all about it.” Gwen leapt onto the couch like an excited child and he leaned back with a smile, ready to hear his next work project.


End file.
